


Star Struck

by Starlight1395



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Changkyun takes care of Jooheon, Depression, First Times, Hurt/Comfort, Idol AU, M/M, Non-idol Changkyun, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, flirty hyungs, happy ending i swear, jealous Jooheon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-07-11 21:38:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 39,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15981023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starlight1395/pseuds/Starlight1395
Summary: Changkyun just wanted to ride a few rollercoasters before going home. The last thing he expected was to be thrown to the ground by someone running past him. Ignoring the pain from his knees, he quickly protects the person who bumped into him from a mass of fans. Turns out, Lee Jooheon of Monsta X was a huge nerd despite his hardass stage presence.Changkyun and Jooheon get closer, and they start learning things about each other that no one else knows - despite how different their lives are, they learn to confide and trust one another. Together, they can overcome anything - even the threats that are least expected.





	1. Chapter 1

Changkyun shrugged off his sweatshirt, not expecting it to be quite so warm out. He wasn’t normally the type of person to go out alone - especially not to a place as crowded as an amusement park - but his friend Soonyoung had given him a coupon for free entry and it was going to expire the next day. Soonyoung was called into work ten minutes before Changkyun left to meet him, leaving Changkun on his own.

He had been on a few rides already, skipping most of the crowds by going through the single riders line. He adored rollercoasters, but he was starting to feel a little sick. It was his own fault for scarfing down a thig of greasy park fries for breakfast.

Sighing, Changkyun spotted a spot on a ledge that was open and went to sit, his feet already aching. Just as he was approached the seat, something heavy slammed directly into him, causing him to fall. He hissed when he felt his knees and palms connect with the unforgiving pavement and instantly opened his mouth to yell at whoever bumped into him. Any protest died instantly on his tongue.

The person that slammed into him was also disoriented, half bent over and out of breath. Changkyun recognized the shock of white-blond hair and harsh eyes in a second. He heard screaming in the distance and realized what had happened.

“Take this off.” He said as he stood, pointing to the highlighter yellow hoodie the other boy was wearing.

“What-?” He only hesitated a moment. He heard the screams getting closer and ripped the jacket off. Changkyun did the only thing he could think of. He shoved his own hoodie over the other boys head, urging him to put it on all the way. At the last second, Changkyun scooped up the brightly colored hoodie from the ground and balled it up. He threw his arms around the other boy’s neck, hiding the fabric between their stomachs.

“Sorry about this.” Changkyun whispered as a group of screaming girls ran past, completely ignoring the figure now wearing a black hoodie with someone hugging him. Changkyun reached up and tugged the hood down lower over the boy’s face, staying close to him until the mass of fans finally passed. He counted to three once they were out of sight before detaching himself.

“Are you alright?” The boy asked worriedly. Changkyun felt like he was dreaming. Standing in front of him was THE Lee Jooheon, half of the rap line and maknae of the famous band Monsta X.

“I should be asking you that,” Changkyun said immediately. “You were almost trampled.”

“Not the worst I’ve dealt with,” Jooheon said, voice still filled with worry. He looked the younger boy up and down, eyes widening when he saw the state of Changkun’s knees.

“Holy shit you’re bleeding. Like, a lot.”

Changkyun looked down, almost surprised to see his legs were covered in crimson. The blood was starting to seep into his socks, and he was suddenly aware of the throbbing pain in both knees and palms.

“I think there’s a first aid booth around the corner.” He winced as he started to walk, Jooheon’s sweatshirt forgotten in his hands.. Jooheon jogged to catch up, complaining that he was walking too fast.

Thankfully, the first aid station was empty save one very bored employee, who instantly jumped at an opportunity to do something.

“I’m really sorry.” Jooheon kept apologizing anytime Changkyun winced.

“It’s fine, you were understandably in a hurry,” Changkyun chuckled, causing the other boy to smile wide. “I didn’t know you guys were in the area. I thought you were out doing promotions or something.”

“We were,” Jooheon said, not really surprised that Changkyun recognized him. “But manager hyung said we deserved a day off. If I had known we would be in such a crowded place I would never have worn something so bright. I rolled out of bed this morning. Guess we’re more popular than I thought.” he chuckled.

“I’d say,” Changkyun grinned despite the burn of the antiseptic being applied to his knees. “My last Monbebe selca day post got almost a hundred likes.”

“Wait, selca day? Are you on twitter?” Jooheon asked, pulling out his phone.

“Yeah, my name is-” Changkyun stopped himself, his face going pale. He had suddenly remembered his nickname on his account and swore if Jooheon ever saw that he wrote out ‘Lee Jooheon step on me please’ with his own two hands for the world to see he would have to disappear forever.

“What was it? I’ll give you mine so we can talk,” Jooheon asked eagerly. “We’re not supposed to give our accounts out to non idols, but I can tell you’re different.” Changkyun felt himself pale even more.

“Jooheon?!” A voice called, sounding frantic. Suddenly, there were five more bodies shoved into the small station and Changkyun felt as though a miracle had happened.

“I’m fine Minhyuk hyung,” Jooheon said, sounding exasperated. “I ran into someone and he cut up his knees so I brought him to get bandages.”

“Where’s your sweatshirt?” Shownu asked, looking intimidating. “We were looking for you but we couldn’t see that horrendous jacket.”

“Kyunnie has it,” Jooheon grinned, showing his dimples. “He gave me his to throw off the fans. It was real quick thinking, and it really saved me. Right Changkyunnie?” He turned to the younger boy, who grinned weakly back.

“Changkyun?” Hyungwon looked over at the boy in question, who was sitting awkwardly on the table. The employee had quietly slipped out when he realized no one else needed his attention.

“Ah, y-yeah. That’s me.” he chuckled awkwardly.

“Sorry for any problems Honey-ya caused you,” Minhyuk said with a smile. “He doesn’t realize how much trouble he can be.”

“Hey!” Jooheon protested, causing Changkyun to giggle.

“Um, thanks for helping me,” the youngest said, not wanting to sound impolite in front of the people he idolized. “Here’s your hoodie back.” he tried to offer the offending garment to its rightful owner, but Jooheon shook his head.

“You can keep that one if I can keep this one,” He said seriously. He noticed Changkyun’s confused face and smiled the slightest bit. “Well, everyone knows what that hoodie looks like now. There’s no way we won’t be mobbed if I’m highlighter yellow.”

“I guess…” Changkyun let his hand fall back down, holding the sweatshirt tightly.

“Sorry to leave so abruptly, but our manager is waiting for us.” Shownu bowed slightly before ushering the others out. He turned back to Changkyun quickly. “Thanks for keeping him out of trouble.” Before following the others, leaving Changkyun and Jooheon.

“See you around Kyunnie!” Jooheon said happily before being pulled from the station. Changkyun stared at the door for a time after they left, trying to convince himself that the last half hour hadn’t been a dream. He stood and left the little building, only to be hit with a cool breeze. The sun had started to set and it was already starting to feel chilly, so he slipped the hoodie on. It was too big on him, and he felt his face flush.

Just as he was walking away, he realized he never actually gave Jooheon any of his contact information. He cursed himself out as he walked to the exit.

* * *

  
“Should I message them?” Changkun asked for the third time that day.

“If you want to,” Junhui said, not looking up from his phone. “The chances of them responding are pretty low though.”

“That’s true…”

“But what if he does want his sweatshirt back?” Soonyoung asked. “You should at least offer to send it back. If he doesn’t respond, you get a free hoodie.”

“I’m just pissed that Kyunnie threatened us.” Jun whined, finally looking up from his phone.

“It’s fair though. He had a magical rendezvous with a hot idol… he can’t talk about that to just anyone,” Soon grinned at his friend. “I think this just proves how much Changkyun loves and trusts us, right Kyun?”

“You were the only two free. Besides, who would believe us if we tried to say anything?” Changkyun said distractedly and he searched through Instagram. He instantly ruled out the idea of messaging Starship through twitter. The last thing he needed was to be blocked for being a crazy stan account.

“Wow… I’m a little hurt.” Soonyoung pouted, rolling over so his head was on Changkyun’s thigh.

“You know the others would never be able to keep their mouths shut.” Jun was back on his phone, eyes glued to whatever was going on in their dorm groupchat. Changkyu never understood how their entire floor managed to befriend each other, but the thirteen of them were thick as thieves.

“Okay do how does this sound?” Changkyun asked, getting his friend’s attention.“So,‘Hello, my name is Im Changkyun. The other day I had a run in with one of your idols, Lee Jooheon and still have his hoodie. I am writing to inquire if he would like the hoodie back, and if so to let me know so I can mail it back to him. Thank you for your time.’”

“Is this a job interview? That was the most uncomfortable thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.” Soonyoung didn’t spare any feelings.

“I just… I don’t want to come across as a creepy fan.” Changkyun pouted, not liking the fact his friend had called him out so bluntly.

“Give this to me,” Jun snatched his phone from his hand and erased the message. He quickly typed his own and pressed send before Changkyun could wrestle the device away from his long fingers. “You’re welcome.”

“What?” Changkyun read the message with growing horror.

_“Hey I ran into Jooheon the other day and he gave me his hoodie. I thought it would be polite to at least ask if he wanted it back. -Im Changkyun.”_

“Not bad,” Soon read over Changkyun’s shoulder. “Short, sweet and not overly formal.”

“You’re welcome.” Jun said again, going back to his own phone once again.

“Oh my god…” Changkyun stared in horror at the message. It was too late. He just hoped whoever read it didn’t think he was insane.

* * *

  
“I can’t believe I didn’t get his number.” Jooheon lamented, for the third night in a row. The others were conflicted on how to feel. On one hand, this was the first time they had seen their maknae so whipped for someone else, and they couldn’t help but think back to their own first crushes. On the other hand, three days of listening to the youngest describe the particular shade of brown that Changkyun’s eyes had been was driving them insane.

“I can’t take this anymore,” Hyungwon groaned and peeled himself off the couch. He typed something into his phone before throwing it at the youngest. “There’s his twitter. Can you stop pining now?”

“His- how did you find this?” Jooheon said, instantly scrolling through his profile. He felt his cheeks light up when he saw the name, the heat going down to his toes. A lot of Changkyun’s tweets were jokes or lust posts, which Jooheon thought was hilarious seeing how the boy could barely look him in the eye at the the park. He searched for the selca day posts and saw two recent ones, one for Hoseok and one for him. “I… I think I’m in love.”

“Tell us something we don’t know.” Hoseok muttered playfully, causing Jooheon to scowl at the older vocalist.

“I like going through the selca days posts every month and the one he did for me a while back was really good so we started chatting. The conversation never really went anywhere but we’re still mutuals,” Hyungwon grinned. “It’s really funny seeing him post about you maknae-ya. He’s as whipped as you are.” Before Jooheon could retort, the door opened.

“Jooheon-ah,” Their manager into the dorm, looking confused. “Did you give your sweatshirt to a fan?”

“Changkyun?” He instantly perked up, looking hopeful.

“That was the name on the message,” He said, handing a phone to the boy. All that was on the screen was a short message from user Im_Changkyun96. “He was asking if you wanted him to send it back.”

“I gave it to him to keep, but now I know his instagram.” Jooheon grinned and opened the app on his own phone. He instantly followed the boy before going through and looking through his posts. Changkyun didn’t post that much, and when he did it was usually pictures of him and his friends. On picture that made him really happy was a blurry shot of a stage from a few months prior. Jooheon recognized their own lights and realized Changkyun had gone to their last concert. The caption just read ‘an unforgettable night filled with unforgettable memories’.

He couldn’t help himself. He clicked the DM button.

 _“I said you could keep the hoodie. Highlighter yellow is a weird color on me but you make it work._ ” He hoped Changkyun would know who it was. The other boy’s response was almost instant.

 _“Jooheon sunbae?_ ” The rapper almost squealed.

_“Call me hyung :) I’m glad you messaged the company. Now we can talk!”_

_“Ah, I didn’t think you were serious haha”_ Jooheon could almost see the other boy blushing, where ever he was.

“ _Why wouldn’t I be serious? You saved my life! You’re my hero!”_ he added a winky face after to show he was playing.

 _“I really didn’t do much hyung…”_ he added a smile with a sweat drop and Jooheon’s grin widened.

 _“So, tell me about yourself Kyunnie.”_ he knew it was going to be a long night, and he was excited for it.


	2. Chapter 2

Changkyun was shaking. He was sitting on his bed, his laptop in front of him, waiting for a call that he never thought would be coming in. After three days of nonstop communication with Jooheon, the rapper finally suggested talking through skype. Changkyun was ecstatic at first, but the longer it took for Jooheon to call, the more nervous he became.

When the call finally started ringing, Changkyun nearly jumped a foot in the air. He froze, letting the ringing go on and on - finally answering the call just as it was about to time out.

“There you are!” Jooheon sounded a little fuzzy but it still made his chest swell. “And here I thought you had forgotten.”

“Of course not hyung,” he said instantly. “I could never…”

“Good, cuz otherwise he would have pouted for weeks.” Gunhee pushed Jooheon over so they were both in the screen and Changkyun felt his soul leave his body.

“Hyung…” Jooheon whined, leaning into his friend’s shoulder.

“Gunhee sunbae, I didn’t see you at the amusement park that day.” Changkyun said, despite the panic building in his chest. Jooheon and Gunhee stared at him and for a moment the younger boy thought there was a connection error until Gunhee threw his head back and laughed.

“Sunbae? Oh man that’s rich,” He cackled, wiping a pretend tear from his cheek. “If you can call this knucklehead hyung, you can do the same for me. And yeah, I wasn’t feeling that great that day so I got to stay back, though now I’m a little jealous that I wasn’t able to meet Jooheonie’s apparent soulmate.”

“HYUNG!” Even through the screen, Changkyun could see Jooheon’s face flush beet red. He tried to push Gunhee away, but the older boy wasn’t budging.

“Ya, if I can’t tease you, who can?” Gunhee didn’t seem the least but sorry for exposing his friend, and it took everything in Changkyun to bite down the grin that was threatening to consume his whole face.

“So tell me about your day.” Changkyun finally said, noticing how Jooheon instantly relaxed.

“You’ll never fuckin beieve what management did,” Jooheon started, leaning towards the camera like he was talking to the younger in person. “They found my notebook from when I was a trainee and instead of, you know, RETURNING IT… they READ it and want me to use the lyrics for the next album! Can you believe that?”

“Your lyrics are genius hyung, of course they would want to use yours.” Changkyun felt warmth bloom in his chest.

“They’re not that good…” Jooheon looked away, ignoring the sudden cooing coming from the boy sitting next to him.

“Don’t be so down on yourself hyung,” Changkyun grinned bright and he almost missed how even Gunhee’s cheeks reddened. “You’re amazing.”

“Changkyun, are you single? Cuz if you ever want to grab coffee-” Gunhee leaned forward and pushed Jooheon away at the same time, causing the boy in question to flounder for a response.

“Hyung get out!” Jooheon shoved Gunhee so hard the older boy fell out of the frame.

“Offer stills stands! Just hit me up!” Gunhee called as the younger rapper shoved him from the room. Changkyun sat, jaw on the ground, until Jooheon sat back down with a shy smile.

“Sorry about him,” He sounded nervous. “He’s just a big flirt.”

“It’s alright,” Changkyun felt his heart speed up a little. “He’s not my type anyway.”

“Oh… well, what’s your type then?” Jooheon was trying not to sound too eager, but his curiosity was loud in his words.

“Hmm… I’d say someone who has round cheeks and cute eyes… someone who’s smart and artistic and funny and sweet.” Changkyun could feel Jooheon’s eyes burning into him and he was doing everything in his power not to stutter.

“I can see you with someone small and cute.” Jooheon said casually.

“I don’t know about small… I’ve always been the softer one in the past. I like being taken care of.” He chuckled awkwardly but Jooheon was staring at him as if he was revealing the secrets of the universe.

“Aw, Changkyunnie is so cute,” he smiled wide, his dimples showing and Changkyun felt his heart skip a beat. “I wish I wasn’t away so much. I would protect you.”

“Ah hyung, you don’t have to do that.” Changkyun felt his cheeks heat up.

“But I want to,” His grin softened. “I want to take care of you.” Changkyun was speechless. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, not sure which one of the thousand of thoughts that were flying through his mind.

“Jooheon-ah we have to get going!” Shownu’s voice called from off screen. Jooheon scowled before turning back to the screen, his face brightening instantly.

“I have to go, but I’ll text you when I can okay?”

“I’ll talk to you soon,” Changkyun felt warm. “Good luck with the rest of your day.”

Jooheon blew a kiss to the camera before quickly ending the call. Changkyun sat there, staring at his screen for a solid minute before grabbing his pillow and screaming into it. His cheeks were starting to get sore, but it was if he had forgotten how to not smile. He wiggled a little in his bed as he checked his phone. There was already a text from the other boy.

“Soulmate, huh?” He somehow smiled even brighter.

* * *

  
“Hey, is everything alright?” Changkyun asked the second the call connected.

Ever since their first conversation through skype, the two boys made it a habit to talk every evening while they were in the same time zone. Things got a little tricky when Jooheon had to travel, but they made it work. It had officially been almost three months since they met, and Changkyun quickly came to consider the other boy one of his closest friends, despite the protests from Junhui and Soonyoung. He had even gotten the chance to get to know the other members, who frequently crashed their nightly talks to harass their maknae and interrogate Changkyun.

Jooheon, however, had been acting a little distant for the past few days, and to say that Changkyun was worried would have been an understatement. He had tried to casually mention that he was there to listen, but the rapper either didn’t realize or didn’t want to talk to Changkyun about whatever it was.

“Yeah, I’m fine…” Jooheon’s voice was rougher than usual. “Just tired… this schedule is brutal.”

“Have you been eating enough?”

“Huh? Oh… yeah of course.” Jooheon wasn’t looking at the screen. Changkyun knew he was lying.

“Hyung… don’t lie to me.” he said softly, and he felt his chest clench when he saw Jooheon physically flinch.

“Alright… I’ve been eating, but probably not as much as I should.” The rapper relented, and Changkyun felt a swell of affection.

“You’re losing weight.” He commented, not liking how gaunt the boy’s normally rounded cheeks looked. At this, Jooheon perked up, looking at the screen for the first time since the call started

“Can you tell?” He asked, a little too excited. Changkyun’s stomach dropped.

“Hyung… did someone tell you to lose weight?” He didn’t want to be right. Jooheon’s smile dropped instantly.

“It’s for the comeback,” He said, almost defensively. “They want us to all show our stomachs for the title song but… they said I wasn’t ready for that… It’s fine though. This was the push I needed to get myself into shape.” He chuckled, hoping to break the tension but Changkyun felt his anger spike.

“They’re wrong.” Changkyun said quietly.

“What?”

“They’re wrong.” he said louder. Jooheon’s eyes widened a fraction. “I… I could tell when I hugged you hyung… you were never out of shape, and if they think you’re fat because you don’t have abs, they’re fucking stupid and blind to boot. I don’t care what they want. You are the most important thing here. Your health should be the top priority, and if they don’t want to care about that, they need to be fired immediately. I wish… I wish I could come over and- and prove to them that you’re perfect. I… I don’t want to see you waste away anymore…” He felt his throat tightening and knew if he kept talking he would start to cry. Jooheon had no idea how perfect he was, and it physically pained Changkyun to think that his friend had been skipping meal to obtain a body that others thought was the right kind of perfect.

“Changkyun…” Jooheon whispered, sounding shocked. Changkyun couldn’t remember the last time the older boy use his full name.

“I’m sorry hyung,” He swallowed thickly, not looking at the screen. “I was out of line-”

“Thank you.” Jooheon said, his voice rough. Changkyun’s head shot up and he saw tears streaming down the other boy’s face.

“You’re perfect the way you are hyung,” he said, his own eyes starting to burn. “I… I don’t want your existence to disappear. Even by a fraction.”

“Thank you Changkyun,” Jooheon covered his face with his hands, his shoulder shaking. “It’s just… it’s just so fucking hard sometime… they want us to do so much but-but we’re just kids! I’m just a kid! Sometimes- sometimes it feels like I’m being suffocated and I can’t fucking breathe… I claw at my throat and my arms until there are bruises but I still can breathe… Changkyun, they expect so much from me and I’m so terrified of disappointing them… I know my hyungs love me but I feel like they’re relying on me to write the songs and carry the raps and I just- I just don’t know how much more I can handle before I break down completely.”

“Jooheon, listen to me,” Changkyun’s stern tone and lack of honorifics got Jooheon’s attention away from his dangerous thoughts. “You are so smart, and talented. I know you can do it. I’ve listened to your raps, I’ve watched you write lyrics… I know how strong you are, and everyone else knows too. That’s why they expect so much from you. Not because they want you to break, but because they know how amazing you are. But… but they also know that you’re just human. If you talked to them - told them how you feel - they aren’t going to hate you. They want you to be okay… Do they know you’ve been skipping meals?”

“I just tell them I’m not hungry.” He mumbled, looking down at his hands.

“Hyung, you trust me right?”

“More than anything.” His response was immediate.

“Then trust them that much too,” Changkyun could see something change in Jooheon’s face. “They just want you to be okay.”

“You’re right… I’ve been really selfish, haven’t I?” He scrubbed at his face, turning his pink cheeks even pinker.

“No, not selfish, just scared. And that’s alright. It’s okay to be scared... “

“What did I do to deserve you?” Jooheon whispered, almost as if he hadn’t meant for Changkyun to hear it.

“You didn’t have to do anything,” Changkyun grinned when the rapper squeaked in surprise. “You just had to be you.”

“Thank you… for everything,” He sounded a little calmer, his voice still rough but not in a concerning way. “I should go soon… Hyunwoo hyung should still be awake around now.”

“Send me a picture of what you eat tomorrow,” Changkyun smiled softly. “I’ll send you pictures of mine too. It’ll be like we’re eating together.”

“You’re something else,” Jooheon chuckled warmly. “Alright, I’ll send you pictures. I gotta go before Hyunwoo hyung goes to sleep… thank you.”

“Ya, stop thanking me,” Changkyun grinned. “Goodnight hyung.”

“Night Chankgyunnie,” Jooheon grinned and reached to end the call. “Love you.”

The call ended before Changkyun could realize what Jooheon had said. Ten seconds later, he just sends a simple pink heart to the rapper, who returns it with a heart of his own mere seconds later.

* * *

  
“Changkyun, is something bothering you?” Jooheon sounded worried, and it made the guilt in the younger boy’s chest heavier.

Changkyun wasn’t normally shy about his depression. His friends knew what to look for when things got bad, and knew how to help him out of the dark place he always sent himself. Jooheon, on the other hand… Changkyun was hesitant. The rapper confided in him about his own struggles about being an idol and the impossible standards, and Changkyun could see the toll the stress was taking on his friend. The last thing he wanted to do was make anything worse, so he hid it.

“I’m fine hyung, I’ve just been really tired lately,” It wasn’t technically a lie. No matter how much or how little he slept, Changkun was always tired. He was bone tired - soul tired. “Maybe I’m coming down with a cold or something. Sorry for worrying you.”

“Don’t apologize, I’m always going to worry about you,” The concern was clear on his face. “Are you sure you’re alright? You look… off.”

“Really, I’m okay,” He gathered what little strength he had left and smiled, but it didn’t seem to convince the other boy. “Whatever this is… it’ll pass soon.”

“I don’t want to leave you when you’re sick,” Jooheon said seriously. Changkyun had decided long ago he didn’t like serious Jooheon. Smiling Jooheon was his favorite. “If I could push back these promotions I would.”

“Don’t think like that hyung,” Changkyun felt guilty. The voice in his head hissed ‘you never should have gotten this close. Now you’re a burden on him’ but he tried to ignore it - for Jooheon’s sake.

“It’s so hard to talk when I’m out of the country.” Jooheon’s infamous pout made an appearance and Changkyun’s next smile was a little more genuine.

“You’ll be back in a few weeks,” he said warmly. “And besides, we can always text.”

“Yeah, but it’s not the same… I’m going to miss talking to you and being able to see your face.”

“Are you saying you miss my face already?” Changkyun teased gently and Jooheon’s pout increased.

“Yes!” he cried, throwing his hands in the air. “What am I going to do without my nightly dose of Changkyun?”

“You’ll be fine,” He snickered, the weight on his chest disappearing a little. “You lived how long without knowing me? How else did you manage all those years?’

“I don’t know,” Jooheon suddenly sounded a lot more serious. “I don’t know how I survived before I met you…”

“Go to sleep hyung, you’re getting sappy and you have a four am flight to catch.” Changkyun tried to hide the burning of his ears. Every once in a while Jooheon would say something like that, and it would make the younger boy’s heart beat hard for hours after, just like it was doing then after seeing the rapper’s smile.

“Night Changkyunnie,” He tilted his head to the side and Changkyun felt his chest implode. “I’ll talk to you as soon as possible okay?”

“Safe flight tomorrow hyung. Text me when you land.”

“Always,” He blew a kiss to the camera. “Love you.”

“Love you too hyung.” The last thing Changkyun saw before the call disconnected was the shocked grin spread across the older boy’s cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we get to see more of the MX boys! I love being in the middle of two fics and not knowing when I'm going to finish either one :3 looks like I'm boo boo the fool here.


	3. Chapter 3

Changkyun felt his breath catch in his throat. It had been getting harder and harder to move, and he was getting scared. Talking to Jooheon was one of the few things that kept him sane, but the other boy was so busy he couldn’t even text more than once or twice a day. Changkyun felt isolated, and he didn’t know how long he could last.

“Kyunnie, please talk to us.” Seungcheol knocked on his bedroom door. When he had ignored Jun and Soonyoung trying to contact him, they must have gone to Cheol, who sounded worried.

“We won’t make you talk okay? Just open the door for us.” Joshua said softly, his words almost too soft to be heard through the wood.

“We brought dinner.” That sounded like Seungkwan.

“We also grabbed your mail… you have a package.” Soonyoung said, hoping the promise of a package would force Changkyun to see them.

It worked. Not even a full minute later the door opened. Changkyun looked like crap - his hair was greasy and the bags under his eyes looked painful. He was wearing the same clothes that he had been for the last few days and it was obvious through the paleness in his face and how he stood slightly hunched that he hadn’t eaten in that time.

His friends pushed through, not waiting for a greeting. Joshua and Seungkwan immediately started cleaning up Changkyun’s small apartment, gathering up the dishes that had days old food dried to them and throwing away the old cans that littered the small coffee table. Soonyoung and Seungcheol carried the bags of takeout along with a stack of letters into the kitchen.

“Here, it looks pretty official.” Soonyoung handed the boy the package. Changkyun stared at it blankly for a moment before finally seeing it. It wasn’t big, more of an envelope than a box. His address was printed on the front with a return address that he didn’t recognize. With numb fingers, he opened the envelope.

Inside, the first thing he saw was a piece of notebook paper. He took that out and unfolded it, tucking the envelope under his arm.

_‘Changkyun, I know you don’t want to tell me but I can tell you’ve been feeling down. I wish there was more I could do, but I hope this can put a smile on your face at least. Can’t wait to see you again. -Honey.’_

Changkyun blinked, something blossoming in his chest. He placed the letter aside and started pulling the items out of the package. The largest thing was a shirt, printed with the logo for Monsta X’s newest tour. It was going to be a little big on him, but that’s just how he liked it. Next he pulled out three badges - all laminated and on lanyards. Two were blank, but one read ‘Changkyunnie~’ in the same handwriting as on the letter. In the bottom was a second letter, this one a little longer.

_‘These are VIP, P1 badges for our last show on tour. Yours is special though. Look for anyone wearing a staff badge before the show and they’ll take you backstage. Pack a bag, because you’re coming back to the hotel with us and spending the night! Can’t wait to hug you again. -Honey’_

“Holy shit… those are VIP badges…” Soonyoung’s voice broke through Changkyun’s thoughts.

“Is that shirt signed?” Seungkwan asked, sounded breathless. Changkyun looked closer at the shirt and saw that it was, indeed, signed by all seven members. Jooheon had added a little heart next to his name and Changkyun’s face it up.

“So Soon was telling the truth when he said you met Jooheon…” Seungcheol sounded as amazed as Changkyun felt.

“Wait, what?” Changkyun whirled around to glare at Soonyoung, who was suddenly extremely interested in heaping food onto a plate.

“Don’t be mad at him. I’d be excited too.” Cheol laughed, and Changkyun let it drop. He was right, though. No one believed him.

“I can’t believe Lee Jooheon himself got you VIP badges and a signed shirt.” Seungkwan sighed, sounding envious.

“And he wants Kyunnie to go back to the hotel with him.” Soonyoung wiggled his eyebrows as he and the second letter that had found its way into his hands danced away from Changkyun, who was too focused on getting the letter back to hide his blush.

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” Josh winked, and Changkyun felt humiliated.

“Every one of you is demoted,” He said, slightly out of breath. “None of you are my friends anymore.”

“Don’t be like that,” Soonyoung whined, placed the letter on the table and handing Changkyun a heavy plate of food. “If your friends can’t tease you, who can?”

“Don’t push your luck.” He grumbled as he shoveled noodles into his mouth as the people surrounding him burst into laughter.

* * *

  
Changkyun was nervous, to say the least. The last Monsta X concert, he had gone alone but the venue was much smaller. This time, he had Jun and Soonyoung with him, but there were twice as many people. They weren’t even in the doors and he already overheard someone whispering about his badge. Apparently it was above even the normal P1 badges, and it was clear from the golden detailing that everyone else would know it too.

The three of them had been waiting for almost six hours to get into the venue, but even then they were still a fair distance from the front of the line. Changkyun didn’t even want to think about how long the other fans had been waiting and felt a surge of pride. Even though they had been waiting in line longer, he was personal friends with them, and he got to see them before and after the show.

Jun and Soonyoung, almost surprisingly, didn’t complain at all that Changkyun had the special VIP pass while they had normal P1 badges - they were just excited to be able to be in the front sections. None of them had ever been able to afford anything above P3 before, so it was a new experience for them all.

He hesitantly said goodbye to his friends, who were more eager for him to get to Jooheon than they were for themselves to get into the venue.

He stopped a security guard, who was busy watching and making sure everyone was getting into the venue without issue.

“Excuse me?” he got his attention. “I was told to find a worker before the show? My name is Im Changkyun? I have a badge.” He flashed the golden badge and the confused look in the guard’s eyes was replaced with mild shock.

“Don’t see many of those,” he commented before talking into his walkie-talkie. “Can I get someone to escort Im Changkyun back to the dressing rooms?”  
There was a staticy response and within a minute another worker dressed in all black came up to them. She looked older than him by a few years, with a soft face and her hair pulled back. She was wearing a heavy looking headset and she looked exhausted.

“Hello, I’m one of the tour managers. You’re the one Jooheon was excited to see, huh?” She grinned at him. “Come on then, let’s not keep the divas waiting.”

Changkyun felt his stomach drop as he followed the girl who was skillfully pushing her way through the people streaming into the auditorium. Looking around, Changkyun realized how much bigger the venue looked when it was empty - only the very front of P1 was filled so far.

He was lead through the employee doors off to the side and down a white corridor. He saw framed pictures of other famous bands that had performed at the venue in the past and his chest warmed with pride. His best friend and his band managed to perform in the same place that so many others have.

“Okay, here we are. The boys have off for the rest of the night after the show, and their report time isn’t until three tomorrow afternoon,” She turned to him with a strange look on her face. “I don’t know how you met them, but I’m glad you did. I could tell all the promotions were getting to them but as soon as they heard you were coming… it was like a fire was lit in them again. So, thanks. Make sure they relax tonight, okay? They work way too hard.”

“Of course,” he bowed slightly, touched by her words. “I’ll take care of them. Thank you noona.” She just grinned and waved him off before focusing on whoever was talking to her through the headset.

Changkyun stood by the dressing room nervously, afraid to knock. All his anxieties came rushing back the longer he waited.

_‘What if this was all a joke? What if Jooheon hyung didn’t actually want me here? What if they make fun of me for being obsessive? They know how much of a fan I am… what if they’re freaked out? I know so much about them but I’m just a stranger to them…’_

Before his thoughts could spiral anymore, the door was thrown open and he was smacked in the face, causing him to fall to the ground and rub his nose with a whimper.

“Holy shit Changkyun!” Jooheon cried as he knelt next to the other boy. He was dressed for the show, mic in place and his makeup perfect. Changkyun pulled his hand away and saw blood.

“Looks like he’s really falling for you Honey.” Gunhee grinned from the doorway, causing a round of laughter from in the room.

“Ah fuck you’re bleeding again,” Jooheon was obviously upset. “Why do I keep making you bleed? I’m such a bad friend. Please don’t hate me...”

“It’s okay, it’s my fault for standing so close to the door.” Changkyun said, trying not to get blood on his shirt.

“Let him in! I told you he didn’t forget.” Hoseok poked his head out and frowned at the sight of the crimson dripping between the youngest boy’s fingers. Changkun was ushered inside the dressing room and instantly forced to sit. He was handed a tissue and a water bottle, his face flushing red as Kihyun fussed over him.

“Jooheon, you have to be more careful,” He scolded as he handed Changkyun another tissue. “You’re lucky this one likes you otherwise you wouldn’t have any friends.”

“I’m really sorry Changkyun.” Jooheon said glumly, looking at the floor like a dog waiting to be punished.

“I’m fine, really,” Changkyun gently kicked Jooheon’s shin, causing the older boy to finally look at him. “I’m glad you invited me. I was really shocked, but I was so excited to see you again. I’m excited to see you perform too.” He smiled softly and Jooheon thought an arrow pierced his chest.

“So Changkun, you never answered my question,” Gunhee sat next to him and slung an arm around the boy’s shoulders. “Are you single?”

“If not…” Hoseok joined in, wiggling his eyebrows at the younger. Changkyun flushed at the sudden attention.

“Ya, back off!” Jooheon cried, pushing between Changkyun and Gunhee. “He’s my friend. Get your own friends to flirt with.”

“Someone’s jealous~” Minhyuk sang, safely out of reach of the younger rapper.

“Ah, I’m sure that’s not it-” Changkyun started to say before Jooheon interrupted him.

“Of course I’m jealous! He hasn’t even gone on a date with me and you’re all trying to steal him,” he pouted and crossed his arms. “You’re just a bunch of no good boyfriend stealers.” Changkyun felt his entire body burn.

“B-boyfriend?” he squeaked nervously. Jooheon turned to him with the most innocent expression.

“Yeah, you’re my friend right?” he asked, waiting for Changkyun to nod. “And I was pretty certain you’re a boy, unless I was wrong. Sorry if I am. I shouldn’t have assumed-”

“I’m a boy.” Changkyun wheezed. He knew the members were liberal with their affections, their maknae even more so than the others, but being the recipient of that affection was far different than seeing it on Vlives or on stage.

“See? Boyfriends.” Jooheon grinned, not entirely ignorant to how flustered he made the other boy.

“Ten minutes until curtain.” A worker stuck their head in, pulling the boys from their world. Jooheon turned to Changkyun with a pout.

“Wish me luck Changkyunnie?” he asked, looking at Changkyun with big eyes. The younger boy froze before thinking of something quickly.

“Give me your hand,” He said, and Jooheon did so without question. He flipped the other’s hand around so his palm was upright and placed a kiss on the meaty part of his hand. Jooheon flushed and held his hand close to his heart. “You’re going to do great out there hyung.” He grinned and let his head tilt a little - Soonyoung always said it made him look like a puppy, which wasn’t a bad thing at all.

“I want one next!” Minhyuk cried, pushing Jooheon out of the way and holding his hand out expectantly. Changkyun was shocked at first but quickly giggled. He took the older vocalist’s hand and kissed it the same as he had with Jooheon.

“Me too.” Hyungwon said next, not standing from his seat. Changkyun went over to him and gave him a good luck kiss as well, getting a little star struck when he saw the model’s grin aimed at him.

“Anyone else?” he asked jokingly, but was surprised when Gunhee came up with a grin on his face.

“Can I request where the kiss is?” he asked innocently while casually pointing to his cheek, and Changkyun laughed again.

“Nope,” he chirped playfully. “It doesn’t work if it’s not on the palm.” Gunhee sighed heavily and gave the younger boy his hand. Once he had the kiss he held his hand to his chest and winked.

“I’m never washing this hand again.” He said dramatically, causing Kihyun to smack him on the back of the head.

“You’re enough of a slob as it is.”

“Would Kihyun hyung want good luck too?” Changkyun offered, not wanting him to feel left out. The vocalist’s ears turned as red as his hair and shrugged.

“A little luck couldn’t hurt.” he said as casually as he could. Changkyun grinned and placed a kiss on his palm as well. He didn’t miss how Kihyun looked at his own hand after, as if he was shocked to not see a mark.

“Hyunwoo hyung too!” Minhyuk pushed the leader over, who was looking more than a little awkward.

“You don’t have to.” Changkyu said, not wanting to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

“I wouldn’t mind some luck.” Hyunwoo smiled and Changkyun understood why everyone fell in love with that face.

“Why am I the last one?” Hoseok pouted, waiting for Changkyun to come over to him. He grinned at the younger boy and placed the back of his hand against his lips. He smirked more at how red Changkyun looked all of a sudden. The younger boy had to stand on his tiptoes to reach his hand, and just as he was about to kiss Hoseok’s hand, the singer moved so Changkyun’s lips hit the corner of his own mouth instead.

The dressing room instantly exploded. Gunhee and Minhyuk started whistling while Jooheon stormed over to pull Changkyun away. The others were watching with amusement from a safe distance - they were used to Hoseok’s antics.

“Hyung, that was not cool,” Jooheon said, tucking Changkyun under his arm. “You tricked him.”

“Would you have let me if I asked?” Hoseok stuck his tongue out.

“It’s….” Jooheon mumbled something else that no one could hear, his ears turning red.

“It’s what Honey?” Kihyun asked, fighting back a smile.

“It’s not fair,” Jooheon was looking down at his hands, which were being taken by Changkyun. “It’s not fair that you kissed him first.”

Hoseok felt his stomach drop. It had genuinely meant to be a joke. He knew how much his maknae cared for the other boy, but he also knew the chances of Jooheon making any sort of move while Changkyun was with them was very low. He just wanted to get on his friend’s nerves a little, but seeing the tears in the rapper’s eyes made Hoseok’s throat sting. Before Hoseok had a chance to apologize, Changkyun leaned up and placed a kiss to the corner of Jooheon’s mouth, right where he had kissed Hoseok - only this time he let his lips linger a moment longer against the rapper’s skin.

“It’s alright hyung, I still like you the most.” Changkyun grinned and Jooheon felt weak.

“Alright guys, two minutes,” The staff member came in again, this time holding the door open so they could file out of the room. “Ah, Changkyun. There’s a spot for you off to the side. It’s close to the front but it won’t be crowded. Someone will find you after the show and bring you back stage again.”

“Thank you,” he bowed slightly before turning his attention to the band. “I know you’re going to be amazing tonight!”

“See you after the show!” Everyone cheered as they walked out. Jooheon paused just long enough to place a kiss of his own on Changkyun cheek before quickly running after the others who were already halfway down the hall. Changkyun held a hand over his cheeks and walked to his spot with a goofy grin on his face the entire time  
!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Projecting my cravings for simple affection onto my stories? It's more likely than you think.
> 
> So I'm estimating two more chapters - the next one is the concert and the night after, and the last being Jooheon confronting Changkyun about his depression - though that might end up being split depending on how long it is. I try to keep the chapters around 5-7 pages long. 
> 
> If anyone has any thoughts, don't be shy! I literally would PAY people to talk to me about my writing if I wasn't painfully broke. My twitter is @25boyfriends and literally all you have to do is DM me and be all "Hey let's talk fics" and I'll be on that conversation like a touch starved college student on platonic physical affection.


	4. Chapter 4

The concert was, without a doubt, one of the most amazing things Changkyun had ever seen. The energy from the boys was reflected by the crowd, and Changkyun could feel himself buzzing from everything. The only downside is that same thing that happened at most concerts - as soon as it was over, Changkyun realized he only remembered it in blurs. The same thing happened at this last one too. He chalked it up to being the excitement and adrenaline, but he still wished he could remember it clearer.

One thing he remembered clear as day, though, was when they first came out on stage. His eyes immediately went to Jooheon, who was scanning the crowd. The second their eyes met, the rapper’s face lit up and Changkyun thought, in that moment, that he had never seen a more beautiful sight.

He waited until the fans started to filter out, grinning as he overheard bits and pieces of conversation. He spotted Jun for a moment and tried to call out to him, but his friend had already been swallowed by the sheer amount of people. After half of the venue had been cleared, Changkyun finally went to find a worker. He was hesitant, but only because he wanted to give Jooheon and the others a chance to change before he barged in.

The same tour manager from before the show found him before he was able to ask anyone, and she brought him back to the dressing rooms.

“I don’t know what you did,” She said as they walked down the white hallway again. “But they were… i don’t know how to describe it. They were more lively I suppose, though they’re always so energetic that it makes the rest of us exhausted.” She chuckled tiredly.

“I guess they just wanted to put on a good show.” He shrugged, but secretly was screaming because it was for him. The extra effort and the extra vigor in the performance… it was because he was there. He thought back to how Jooheon winked at him and the whole audience cheered. If only they knew who the wink was really for. Changkyun grinned as he knocked on the door.

“There he is!” Minhyuk was the one to open the door this time. Changkyun stepped away to avoid getting smacked again, his nose still a little sore despite the pain killers he had been given.

“So?” Jooheon bounced over to him, face still flushed from performing, but to Changkyun he was glowing. “Did you like the show?”

“How could I not? I’ve never seen anything like it.” He grinned fondly at Jooheon, who returned it. The rapper pulled Changkyun into a hug, wrapping his arms firmly around the younger boy’s waist. Changkyun instantly melted into the embrace. Being completely honest, he had been really looking forward to hugging his friend - to just being around him physically. The hug at the park didn’t really count, and this was the first time they were together since then. Changkyun wrapped his arms around Jooheon and buried his face in the older boy’s shoulder.

“I’ve missed you.” Jooheon whispered into Changkyun’s hair. Changkyun tightened his embrace the slightest bit.

“Me too,” He said, trying not to cry. The weeks without his friend had been just short of torture, but now he was back and everything felt right again. “I’ve really… really missed you hyung. Nothing felt okay without you.”

He hadn’t meant to be quite so honest, but the relief in his chest was so intense that it was almost painful. Jooheon held him tighter and Changkyun could feel the love and the affection being poured into him.

“Jooheon-ah,” Kihyun said, hesitantly breaking their moment. “Sorry to interrupt but it’s time to go back to the hotel.”

“Right,” Jooheon pulled away, a sheepish expression on his face but never looking away from Changkyun. “You ready?”

“Yeah.” Changkyun grinned and felt his heart soar when he felt Jooheon’s fingers lace through his own.

* * *

  
On the ride to the hotel, Changkyun learned that usually they pick rooms by playing a game, but this time they purposely let Jooheon be the odd one out so he could share a room with the younger boy.

The idols piled out and went directly to their respective rooms. Changkyun followed Jooheon to the one farthest from the elevator. The rapper unlocked the door and went in first, only to stop suddenly. Changkyun bumped into his back, not expecting the sudden halt.

“Oh jeez…” Jooheon muttered, looking upset. Changkyun peeked around Jooheon and saw instead of two twins, like the other rooms, there was one king sized bed in the middle. “We got the wrong room. Kihyun hyung and Hyunwoo hyung usually get the single bed. Here, I’ll go talk to them-” Changkyun caught his arm before he could leave.

“I- I don’t mind,” He said, looking awkwardly at the ground. He really didn’t. He was used to sharing a bed when Soonyoung, Jun and the others got together. In fact, he found he slept better when he wasn’t alone. “If you don’t want to it’s alright I just-”

“N-no! It’s alright with me if it’s alright with you!” Jooheon chuckled and looked away, rubbing the back of his head. The two boys stood in silence for a moment before Jooheon spoke again. “I’m- I’m gonna shower real quick. Order anything you want from room service. Since we have the big bed, everyone will be coming here after they shower.”

“Alright.” Changkyun smiled almost shyly and went farther into the room so Jooheon could get to the bathroom. Minutes later, after Changkyun heard the water turn on, he threw himself onto the bed and grinned into a pillow.

He had just changed into his sleep pants when the bathroom door opened. Jooheon walked out of the could of steam with nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist and Changkyun felt his stomach flip. While the rapper wasn’t as muscular as Hoseok or Hyunwoo, Changkyun could easily see the definition in his stomach and arms, and he felt his face heating up. His eyes slowly traveled up and when he saw the water dripping down his throat, Changkyun felt his own throat close up. When he got to Jooheon’s face, he saw the rapper grinning at him with such ferocity it shocked Changkyun. He quickly looked away and apologized, but Jooheon just laughed.

“Hey, don’t apologize,” he said as he dug through his suitcase. “If you had come out of the shower in a towel, I’d stare too.” He quickly got dressed, not without Changkyun catching a glimpse of his ass, which caused the younger boy to instantly look away, his whole face red as a tomato. Once he was changed he went and sat next to Changkyun on the bed and nuzzled his face into the younger boy’s neck.

“Hyung, your hair is still wet,” Changkyun smiled fondly, not minding at all that his shirt was soaking up the water from the rapper’s hair. “Here, I’ll dry it for you.”

Jooheon positioned himself so Changkyun could dry his hair, closing his eyes and tilting his head back for better access. Changkyun moved slowly and carefully, not wanting to tug too hard and hurt the other boy. He blushed when he saw the blissful look on Jooheon’s face. He fought back a grin as he tugged a little harder, causing Jooheon to crack open one eye and grin right back.

“If I say harder, will you do it?” He asked cheekily, and Changkyun smacked his shoulder gently.

“Your hair is pretty dry, but you still have eyeliner all over your face,” Somehow, the fondness in his chest grew. “Let me get it.”

He carefully used the damp towel to wipe around Jooheon’s eyes, getting as much of the black off as he could. He felt rather than heard Jooheon hum as his soft touches. Changkyun didn’t realize he had been leaning in until a loud knock from the door caused them to spring apart as if they had been caught doing something bad.

“Coming!” Jooheon called, trying to fight back the redness in his face. He stumbled a little when he stood and glanced back at Changkyun quickly before going to answer the door. The second the latch was undone, the door was flung open and the six other boys crowded into the room without hesitation.

“Ah, how come they get the big bed?” Gunhee complained. “I wanna share a bed with Changkyun! He looks so comfy and soft.”

“What, is rooming with me not good enough?” Minhyuk said, playfully offended.

“Hmm, Changkunnie?” He held up one hand. “Or Minhyuk hyung?” He held up the other and pretended he was weight the names on a scale.

“Ya, you ungrateful-” Minhyuk smacked the other rapper, who snickered and moved to hide behind Kihyun, who was watching everything with faint amusement. Hyungwon and Hoseok pushed through the small crowd and dropped some bags onto the bed. Changkyun heard glass clinking and had a pretty good guess on what that could be.

“Alright everyone,” Hyunwoo said, gathering all the attention onto himself. “As we’re well aware, we don’t have anything to do until tomorrow afternoon, so we have to make this night count. God knows when we’ll have another night off like this.”

“That being said,” Minhyuk chimed in next, pulling out a handful of soju bottles. “Let’s start with the drinking games! First one to tap out gets punished. First one to pass out gets punished. First one to spill a drink gets punished. First one to get wasted-”

“Let me guess,” Changkyun giggled. “They get punished?”

“Correct!” Minhyuk cheered handing the youngest the first bottle and a small glass. “Would our guest of honor like to take the first shot?”

“He’s even younger than me,” Jooheon said, making to reach for the bottle. “Let’s not push him.” Changkyun quickly uncapped the bottle and took a shot straight from the neck, forgoing the shot glass entirely. He suppressed a shutter and grinned at the shocked faces staring back at him.

“My friend group consists of thirteen almost-alcoholics,” he grinned, the soju warming his stomach instantly. “I can probably drink all of you under the table.”

“That sounds like a challenge!” Gunhee grinned and grabbed a bottle of his own. “Get ready kid, cuz Sharp Gun never loses a challenge.”

Changkyun grinned back, ready to beat Gunhee at his own game.

* * *

  
“Changkyunnie!” Gunhee called across the room. The eight boys had forgone the bed once they started to get a little tipsy and formed a circle on the floor, everyone sitting with their legs crossed like in elementary school. At the moment Changkyun was almost sitting on Jooheon’s lap, with Kihyun on his other side. Hyunwoo was next to Kihyun, Hyungwon next to him and then Hoseok, Minhyuk and Gunhee on Jooheon’s other side. “Truth or dare?”

Changkyun honestly had no recollection of starting a game of truth or dare, and he wasn’t even that drunk yet. The last he remembered, they were playing a game of ‘never have I ever’ and Minhyuk was losing.

“Dare!” He called back, not thinking.

“I dare you to…” Gunhee paused, thinking. He was much drunker than Changkyun, that much was clear from his red nose and glassy eyes. “I dare you to sit on Wonho’s lap!”

Hoseok looked up at the sound of his name. He, along with Kihyun, where the two least intoxicated in the group. Changkyun faintly remember him saying something about not being able to control himself when he drinks.

Had Changkyun been a little more sober, maybe he would have noticed the quick flash of hurt across Jooheon’s face as the younger boy stood and went to the other side of the circle. He settled onto Hoseok’s lap, his ass fitting perfectly in the gap between the idol’s legs. Jooheon frowned at the sudden chill from his side but didn’t say anything.

Changkyun leaned his back against Hoseok’s chest and felt himself relax into the warmth of the other boy. Hoseok’s arms naturally came to wrap around Changkyun’s waist, and he rested his chin on the younger boy’s shoulder so he could see the others.

“Changkyun’s turn!” Gunhee called, placing another empty bottle into the bag they were using for recycling.

“Honey!” he grinned at his friend, whose face melted a little at the sight of Changkyun’s smile. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” Jooheon didn’t hesitate. He wasn’t as afraid of Changkyun’s dares, but he knew what the others could come up with and didn’t want the younger boy exposed to that just yet. Changkyun’s smile didn’t fade.

“What’s your dream date?” he asked. That threw Jooheon for a loop. He wasn’t used to getting such genuine questions.

“I’d have to say something really soft,” he said, thinking hard. “Like, going to a small cafe then watching a movie in bed or something. We don’t get a lot of downtime, so something really comfy and lazy would be perfect.” He smiled softly, imagining holding someone close to his chest as they watched a movie. The person in his arms would cuddle closer and Jooheon would rest his cheek against their soft brown hair. He would play with their hands, treasuring how warm and strong they were.

“That was….” Hoseok said from above Changkyun, looking a little lost. “Wow Jooheon, I didn’t know you were such a romantic.”

“I’m such a romantic! How did you not notice?” Jooheon cried, looking hurt.

“You’ve only started acting this mushy when you met Changkyun.” Hyungwon smiled slyly, and Jooheon snapped his mouth shut, looking away. Changkyun blushed but continued to look at the boy across the circle.

“Gunhee hyung, truth or dare?” Jooheon quickly changed the subject, looking to the slight boy, who was grinning brightly at the rapper.

“Dare!” Gunhee hadn’t picked truth a single time since the game started. He wasn’t about to play it safe in a game like this.

“I dare you to…” Jooheon trailed off, thinking. Jooheon was up there with Minhyuk, Gunhee and Changkyun in terms of intoxication, so thinking was a little difficult. “I dare you to rank the people in this room in order of who’s dick you’d suck.”

“Pshh, easy,” Gunhee responded without batting an eye. “Hyunwoo, Hosoek, Minhyuk, Hyunwgon, you, Kihyun… though now that Changkyun is here he’d go between Hoseok and Minhyuk.”

“You… have you thought about this before?’ Jooheon was floored with how quickly the elder rattled off the list.

“You haven’t?” The elder rapper sounded even more shocked.

“Shouldn’t that have been a truth question?” Hyunwoo commented, but no one seemed to have heard him.

“Minhyuk,” Gunhee turned to the older vocalist, who mirrored his mischievous look. “Truth-”

“Dare.” Minhyuk didn’t even let him finish.

“I dare you to give someone in the circle a makeover.” he said it innocently enough, but the intention was clear in his eyes.

“Changkyunnie, come with me.” Minhyuk stood and grabbed the youngest by his wrist, dragging him out of Hoseok’s lap and out of the room entirely. He continued to pull the younger boy two doors down from where they were and all but threw Changkyun onto the bed once they got through the door.

“Hyung what-?”

“Strip for me Changkyun.” he said, already digging through his luggage.

“What?” He squeaked, looking at Minhyuk as though he lost his mind.

“I said,” He turned to Changkyun with an armful of clothing. “Strip. For. Me.”

Changkyun, with his lack of common sense due to the two and a half bottles of soju in his system, quickly started to strip, placing his clothing off to the side.

“Hyung, what are you planning on-?”

“Start with these,” He threw a pair of fishnets at the boy, his attention on the pile he dumped on the other bed. “Which would look better? The black or the white-?”

He turned to Changkyun with two skirts in his hands and his face dropped, his cheeks losing all color when his eyes landed on the bare expanse of Changkyun’s thigh.

The younger boy’s leg was a mess. White and pink lines went from his knee to his hip. Most looked fairly old, but a few were still pink and puckered, which told Minhyuk they were the freshest. Changkyun didn’t seem to notice that Minhyuk had froze, and was still struggling with the tights. Minhyuk remembered Jooheon commenting here and there about how the younger boy had been acting distant, but this was the last thing he would have imagined.

“Hyung, I think I put them on inside out…” Changkyun said, his words slurring a little. He may still have been drunk, but Minhyuk was suddenly sober.

“That’s… that’s alright Changkyunnie,” He said, carefully sitting next to the other boy. “What- are you… alright?”

“I’m a lil drunk.” he giggled as he wiggled the tightes over his hips. Any other time and Minhyuk would have made a comment about the younger boy’s thighs in fishnets, but it wasn’t the time for jokes.

“I can tell…” Minhyuk looked away. “Changkyun, I doubt you want to talk about it… especially not with me but if you- if you ever need someone to talk to… you don’t have to worry about me telling Jooheon or anyone else. If you wanted to come to me, everything would stay between us no matter what.”

“Thanks hyung,” Changkyun leaned heavily on to Minhyuk’s side. “Things get real hard sometimes… it was hard without Jooheon hyung to talk to. That was the worst. I missed him so much…” Tears started streaming down the boy’s face and Minhyuk began to panic. “But- but now things are better. I thought, maybe… maybe he hated me, and that’s why he stopped texting me. I know I’m annoying, and I know I have to be a burden on him. I take up so much of his time and he’s always talking about how busy he is… I thought maybe he had had enough of my so- so when I got that letter I was so relieved…”

“Jooheon could never hate you,” Minhyuk gently wiped away his tears. “I think he might like you more than he likes any of us.”

“That’s not true.” Changkyun instantly protested.

“Let’s test that then,” Minhyuk smiled, and Changkyun returned it. “I’ll make you look amazing and he’ll have no choice but to prove how much he likes you. Here, put these on instead.” He put the skirts aside and handed Changkyun a pair of black jeans with rips across the thighs.

“Why do you have so many skirts?” He asked as he tried to get the jeans up over his legs. Just as the fabric was pulling over the thickest part of his thighs, there was the sound of ripping in the air. Changkyun started to panic, realizing he made the holes even bigger but Minhyuk just waved away his concern.

“I’ve been wanting bigger rips in those anyway,” he said easily, moving to pick something else. “As for the skirts, I like them. I think they make my legs look nice and besides, why should clothing be gendered? Girls don’t get shit for wearing pants.”

“That’s true,” Changkyun said, and after a moment of thought added, “I bet you’d look really cute in a skirt hyung.”

“Stop all that before I steal you away from the maknae,” Minhyuk grinned and handed the younger boy a black crop top, which he slipped on easily. “Not like that, you gotta let the shoulder… there!”

Minhyuk tugged at the shirt so the fabric was off center, showing the skin of Changkyun’s shoulder and neck. The older boy’s eyes drifted downwards and saw another mistake. He quickly took hold of the waistband of the fishnets and yanked them up so the tights were visible above the jeans.

“Hyung, are you sure this looks okay on me?” Changkyun asked, sounding uncertain. “This seems… too grown up for me.”

“Let hyung work his magic,” Minhyuk hushed the younger boy. “They’ll be expecting us back soon, so I have to hurry. Quick, close your eyes.”

Changkyun did as he was told, and felt the tale tell feel of a brush running across his eyelids, then his cheeks and finally his lips. He waited until Minhyuk gave him the okay to open his eyes and immediately looked for the mirror.

He was amazed.

His eyes seemed to shine from the silver and red, the eyeliner making the shape more obvious. His cheekbones were coated in silver as well, giving him a magical look - almost like a fairy. Finally, his lips were painted a cherry red that faded into a soft pink. Before he could say anything, Minhyuk fastened a black choker around his neck. Changkyun’s eyes widened when he saw the small metal ring in the middle of the necklace.

“All you need now are shoes, but your feet are bigger than mine,” Minhyuk said with a wink. “Jooheon’ll be happy to hear that. Anyway, you can just go barefoot. No point in putting on shoes if you’re going to take them right off again.”

“Are you sure I look alright?” Changkyun asked again, staring at himself in the mirror. He looked… hot. He looked confident and sexy - two things he almost never felt. He hoped Jooheon would like it. “I never thought I’d look good in something like this. I’m just… me. I am what I am, and that’s not… this?”

“Changkyun, love, if Jooheon hadn’t basically claimed you already this look would have him on his knees,” Minhyuk grinned. “It’ll have a few of the others on their knees too if I’m being honest, myself included. Now, let’s go show off!”

Changkyun felt giddy -the alcohol still in his system making him feel on top of the world - as he and Minhyuk basically ran the whole twenty feet to the other room. They could hear loud voices from behind the door, indicating the others kept the game going after they left. Minhyuk knocked, and the door opened to show a red faced Kihyun, who instantly stared at CHangkyun with an open mouth.

“Shh, it’s a surprise!” Minhyuk giggled, pushing past the other vocalist but keeping Changkyun hidden behind him. “I’d like to introduce you IM, the next biggest idol in the industry!” He made a big deal of spinning away to show Changkyun to the others.

Their reactions were instant. Changkyun heard gasps and what he swore was a quiet moan before the comments came flooding in.

“Holy shit!”

“Fuck Changkyun…”

“Look at his damn thighs!”

“His eyes…”

“Damn Daddy,” Gunhee’s comment earned a smack from Jooheon. “What? Are you telling me you wouldn’t let him fuck you? Cuz that would be a lie and we both know it.”Jooheon’s face turned bright red but he didn’t deny his friend’s accusation.

“Changkyun,” Jooheon stood and stood in front of the younger boy, taking in the details of the outfit up close. “You look…”

“Weird right?” Changkyun chuckled awkwardly. “It would look better on any of you. I feel bad I can’t pull off Minhyuk hyung’s clothing any better-”

“Amazing.” Jooheon finished, his eyes meeting Changkyun’s, who had fallen silent at the compliment.

“You think so?” He whispered, not breaking that eye contact.

“I think you look stunning,” Jooheon said, taking Changkyun’s hands. “Though, I doubt there’s anything that would make you look less than beautiful.”

“Just kiss already!” Gunhee called from behind them.

“Maybe I would if you stopped interrupting!” Jooheon spun around to glare at his hyung, who fell backwards with laughter. Gunhee was definitely the most drunk.

“Hyung.” Changkyun’s soft voice brought Jooheon’s attention back to him. Just as the rapper turned to look, he felt something soft pressed against his lips. His eyes widened before closing, and he leaned into Changkyun’s kiss eagerly.

“See, that’s how you get what you want!” Gunhee cheered from the ground. “Go get him Changkyunnie!”

“Alright, I think you’ve had enough to drink,” Hyunwoo said, trying to pick Gunhee up. “It’s getting late. If we’re all alive in the morning we can order breakfast.”

“I heard there’s a pool,” Hyungwon chimed in. “We can go swimming.”

“I’m game for that!” Hoseok said, slurring his words a little. He must have had more to drink after Changkyun left.

“Alright team, break and regroup in the morning. Please take care of your buddy. I swear if I find out someone threw up on the floor again, I’m going to kill all of you.” Kihyun threatened, already tugging a pouting Minhyuk towards the door.”

“No fuunnn….” Minhyuk whined loudly, his voice echoing as he was pulled down the hall. Soon it was just Jooheon and Changkyun in the room.

“I left my clothes in Minhyuk hyung’s room.” Changkyun realized.

“You can borrow some of my clothes. Easier than going between the rooms,” Jooheon offered, eyes glued to the other boy. “Though… you aren’t going to change now, are you?”

“Do you want me to?”

“If you don’t mind… could I get some pictures? Hyung was right, you really do look like an idol.” Jooheon smiled sheepishly and in that moment Changkyun would have done anything the other boy asked, no hesitation.

“Just tell me how you want me.” Changkyun said, the double meaning lost on him but not on Jooheon, who flushed as he pulled out a camera.

“Um… here, try this.”

For the next hour, Jooheon posed Changkyun around the room. Sitting on the bed, legs spread so his thighs showed and leaning back on his arms, looking out the window, so the lighting caught on his makeup. Jooheon had him sit, lay, pose, twist and ham it up any way possible. Soon, the two were caught in a giggle fit - Changkyun had whipped his head around to dramatically look into the camera and lost his balance, Jooheon tried to reach out and catch him, ending up with both boys lying on the bed.

“I meant what I said earlier,” Jooheon whispered, his nose almost touching Changkyun’s. “You look beautiful. In this, and in anything you wear.”

“I don’t deserve you hyung.” Changkyun felt his eyes fill with tears.

“No crying,” Jooheon leaned in and kissed his cheeks, right under his eyes. “You deserve the best. Unfortunately all I have is me, but I’ll give it all to you.”

“That’s cheesy hyung.” Changkyun smiled, the pure affection in the smile made Jooheon’s heart flip.

“Come on, it won’t be comfortable sleeping in fishnets - I would know,” Jooheon reluctantly pushed himself and fished a pair of sweatpants from his suitcase.

“Do you want a different shirt? That one is actually pretty comfy. It used to be mine before Minhyuk hyung stole it and turned it into a crop top.”

“Hm, I’ll keep it on then, if it was yours.” Changkyun started pulling his jeans off without thinking, just wanting to get out of the restraining fabric. As he pulled off the tights, he made a mental note to get his own pair - they made his legs look amazing. He pulled on the sweatpants and grinned at how they were a little too long.

While he was noticing the length of the pants, Jooheon was noticing something else. The rapper felt his whole body grow cold. Though he only saw them for a split second, he would know self harm scars anywhere. He realized that Changkyun didn’t know he spilled his secret. He also knew the younger boy was still too drunk to have a conversation about that at that moment.

Jooheon carefully took a makeup wipe and cleared Changkyun’s face, deep in thought. He was hurt that his friend never told him, but at the same time understood. It wasn’t something you easily mentioned in conversation…

“Hyung, ‘m tired.” Changkyun murmured, leaning towards Jooheon’s warmth.

“Finish getting ready for bed and we can sleep.” Jooheon said warmly. He watched fondly as Changkyun got his bag and stumbled a little to the bathroom. A few minutes later Changkyu came back, tossing his bag over by Jooheon’s. He stretched his arms above his head, cracking his back loudly. Jooheon felt his body heat up when he saw how the sweatpants had ridden down, exposing his friend’s stomach and the hint of a happy trail.

“Bed time.” Changkyun yawned, his shirt falling back into place. He crawled into the big bed and instantly curled up under the blankets. Jooheon knew he was going to have at least a headache in the morning. The rapper turned off the lights and curled into Changkyun, who inched his way into the older boy’s arms.

Jooheon grinned into Changkyun’s hair and placed a kiss onto the boy’s forehead. He could literally feel Changkyun falling asleep in his arms and he never wanted to give that sensation up. He felt his stomach drop when he realized after that night, the chances of being able to hold the boy again would be very slim, at least for a very long time. His throat starting to sting and he willed himself not to cry.

A single tear soaked into the pillow and he held Changkyun tighter. When the sun came up, he would have to let Changkyun go, but for that moment he could protect the boy from his own mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The outfit I put Changkyun in is something I've always wanted to wear, and would also find so attractive on my favorite idols. I honestly love the idea of guys in fishnets and crop tops and makeup. That shit's made to make you feel sexy and confident, and confidence shouldn't be a gendered thing.  
> That being said, if there are any idols reading this, do us ALL a favor and wear fishnets. We're begging.
> 
> On a less joking note, the fic is about to get a lot darker. Changkyun is about to go through some rough times, and the tags I added are going to be used a lot. Just a bit of a heads up because apparently I have a knack for hurting people with my writing.


	5. Chapter 5

Changkyun woke up feeling almost too warm. There was a weight on his waist that made his bladder protest and a scent that was somehow familiar pressed against his cheek. He held his breath for a moment and felt the continuous beat of a heart next to him. He slowly opened his eyes, squinting against the sunlight.

The first thing he saw was skin. He pulled his head back a little and saw it was Jooheon’s neck. The rapper had pulled him close, nuzzling his nose into Changkyun’s hair. Through the slight ache in his head, bits and pieces of the night before came back to him. He remembered sitting in Hoseok’s lap… Minhyuk pulling him away. Something happened, and Changkyun remembered things getting serious but he didn’t remember why. He remembered the look on Jooheon’s face when he-

When he kissed him.

Changkyun didn’t freak out, like he thought he should be. He felt quite… content with his actions the night before. Had he been sober, he probably wouldn’t have had the guts to make a move like that but he was glad drunk Changkyun was a little braver. He looked down at himself and saw he was wearing a crop top and unfamiliar sweatpants.

He panicked for a second. Had Jooheon seen his leg?

He didn’t remember the older boy acting strange at all, so Changkyun guessed he hadn’t. If he had, Jooheon would have reacted, right?

“Mhrmmm, Changkyun are you awake?” Jooheon sounded like a cat stretching when he woke up and Changkyun thought it was fitting.

“Yeah,” he whispered back with a smile. “Just woke up.”

“What time is it?”

“Little after nine.” He had to crane his neck to see the standard alarm clock on the bedside table. Jooheon pulled him close and settled back down into the pillows.

“Good, no one’s gonna be awake for a while. We can sleep a little more.” he said, his words fading off as his face went slack. Changkyun knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep again, but was content to watch Jooheon rest. He always knew the other boy was handsome, but he could see just how perfect Jooheon was up close.

His heart thudding wildly, Changkyun lets his shoulder relax as he closes his eyes again. Jooheon seemed to envelope him and it was a sensation he had never really experienced before. He felt safe.

“Wake up! We wanna go swimming!” Minhyuk’s voice broke through their perfect moment, causing both boys to jump.

“How is he so loud?” Jooheon whined as he stretched.

“Give us a second,” Changkyun called back, burying his face back in his pillow. “I don’t wanna get up.”

“What if we just… didn’t?” Jooheon flopped down next to him again, his nose barely an inch away from Changkyun’s.

“Hurry up!” Minhyuk pounded on the door again.

“We’ll meet you down there!” Jooheon cried, scowling. “Looks like we don’t get to sleep in this time.”

“That’s alright,” Changkyun murmured sleepily, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “I get to see you in a bathing suit. That makes it worth it.”

“You could have just asked to see me in a bathing suit,” Jooheon winked and Changkyun hid his face when he realized what he said. He wasn’t ashamed, but maybe a little embarrassed about being so blunt. “Honestly, you could ask to see me wearing nothing and I wouldn’t say no.”

“HYUNG!” Changkyun screeched, not so unwanted images of Jooheon’s bare ass, his toned stomach, trailing down to-

“Come on Changkyunnie, we can order room service for the pool,” Jooheon hit Changkyun’s back with his pillow. Changkyun sat up and saw the older boy had already pulled on a fitted pair of swim trunks and felt his face heat up at how well they hugged his thighs. “I’m thinking waffles and orange juice? I kind of want mimosas. You want some?”

“Um, waffles and mimosas sound good,” he swung his legs off the edge of the bed and rested his feet on the carpet. “But I didn’t bring a swimsuit…”

“Minhyuk hyung figured you wouldn’t have one so he lent me one of his to give to you. It’s on the desk over there.” he gestured to the standard desk that every room came with. There were a few bottles from the night before that had been pushed aside to make room for the swimsuit.

Changkyun picked it up, almost afraid of what he was going to get. Thinking back to what Minhyuk had put him in the night before, there was no end to what the older boy could have brought with him. To his relief, they were simple green and black trunks. They looked a little small, but if he had slipped into the jeans, Changkyun was sure he could fit into them - lo and behold he was just barely able to get them over his thighs.

“How do I look hyung?” he asked, pretending to pose. He was a little self conscious - no one had seen him in a bathing suit in years and he was never super confident with his body. He was thankful his leg was covered, but his stomach was soft - not taunt and defined like Jooheon’s. What if Jooheon didn’t like him anymore? It wouldn’t be the first time someone was disappointed with his body-

“-again?”

“What?” Changkyun missed the first part of Jooheon’s sentence.

“Can… can I kiss you again?” He asked, sounding even more hesitant. Changkyun’s initial reaction didn’t exactly boost his confidence.

“Oh! Of course!” Changkyun said almost too excitedly. Jooheon grinned and leaned in, capturing Changkyun’s lips. Changkyun leaned in harder, the older boy’s lips still as soft as he remembered. Jooheon’s hands rested on Changkyun’s hips, his thumbs resting on the part of his skin that was showing. Changkyun rested his hands on Jooheon’s arms, and he sighed into the kiss as he felt the definition of the rapper’s muscles.

Changkyun could feel himself humming, his limbs turning to mush, putting all his weight onto Jooheon who eagerly held the boy closer to him.

“Hyung…” Changkyun breathed as he pulled away.

“Say my name Changkyunnie.” He kissed at the corner of Changkyun’s mouth, working his way down his throat.

“Jooheon-” Changkyun sucked in a breath as the rapper bit gently at his neck, right below his jaw. He could feel Jooheon smile against his skin as he bit harder, causing Changkyun to scratch lightly at his arms.

“We should probably be getting to the pool,” Jooheon whispered, the breath hitting Changkyun’s throat causing him to shiver. “We wouldn’t want anyone coming up and knocking on our door again.”

“You suck.” Changkyun groaned at Jooheon pulled away, a shark like grin aimed at the younger. He awkwardly shifted, trying to hide the fact that Jooheon licking and biting his neck had almost given him a hard on. Jooheon saw what Changkyun was trying to do and grinned even wider.

“Maybe later I can help you out with that,” he winked before grabbing Chagkyun’s hand. “Come on! Breakfast will be waiting for us at the pool.”

Changkyun let Jooheon pull him from the room to the elevator. While they waited for the doors to open, Jooheon leaned in and kissed cheek. Changkyun felt his face burn, and if it were a cartoon he would have steam coming from his head. The elevator dinged and Changkyun tried to pull his hand from Jooheon’s in case someone saw. Instead, Jooheon just held his hand tighter.

A woman, no older than twenty three, walked out of the elevator. Her eyes immediately went to their hands, but Jooheon grinned wide at her and she smiled back before nodding and walking away. They got on and hit the ground floor button, the door sliding shut easily.

“Hyung, is it alright that we’re being so… open? I mean… you’re an idol after all. Dating at all would be a scandal, but dating another boy? That could be bad if it got out. Not- not that I’m saying we’re dating! Because I don’t- we’re… um, I don’t know what we are but- but I don’t want to be the reason something bad happens to your career because- I don’t want to ruin anything because as much as I like you, I’m not- I’m really not- not worth the trouble. Talking as much as we do… I love it and not being able to call k-killed me but I don’t- I can’t be the reason something b-bad happens…” Changkyun fiddled with the string of his bathing suit, refusing to even look at Jooheon.

Joohon couldn’t tell what he was feeling. His chest was… hurting. He knew something was going on with his friend - what he saw on Changyun’s leg the night before was proof enough that something was wrong - but this was something other entirely. The sheer amount of insecurity and fear in Changkyun’s voice broke Jooheon’s heart.

He grabbed Changkyun’s hand and pulled him into his chest, holding him so tight it might have been painful but the younger boy didn’t try to move. Jooheon held him, feeling Changkyun’s heartbeat and the warmth of his skin against his.

“Oh Changkyun, I couldn’t care less about what they think. All that matters is that being with you makes me happy. I love performing, but what’s the point of having fans if I can’t have someone who makes me feel special?” He pulled away and kissed Changkyun, trying to make Changkyun feel as special as the younger boy made him feel.

Before Changkyun could respond - not that he would be able to say much without sobbing - the elevator dinged. They seperated, their hands tightly clasped as they walked towards the pool. Before the pool was even in sight, they could hear shouts and splashes and a single voice trying to tell them to calm down.

“About time you got here- Changkyun are you okay?” Minhyuk went from excited to worried in a split second after seeing the silent tears running down the face of the youngest. Changkyun used his free hand to wipe at his cheeks and smiled.

“I’m… really good hyung. Thanks, for everything.” He smiled, more tears slipping past his his eyesmie.

“Why are you crying?” Hyunwoo came over, hair dripping and with a giant handprint on his back. He didn’t seem to notice the handprint, and was focused on the youngest who was grinning and sobbing.

“I’m just… really happy.” he said, squeezing Jooheon’s hand.

“Oh Changkyunnie!” Minhyuk cried, rushing over and pulling him into a hug, not caring that he was soaking wet. He tugged Changkyun away from Jooheon accidentally, and Changkyun’s eyes instantly flew open. He reached towards Jooheon, who just smiled and took his hand again.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He said warmly. Changkyun smiled in relief, more tears falling. He didn’t know why he was crying, but it felt good. He was just so happy that they kept falling and with each tear, his chest seemed to feel lighter and lighter.

Soon, more arms were around him. He could feel his skin grow damp from the other’s wet skin, but he didn’t mind. He felt warm despite the chilly water. The hug circle broke when an employee came in with a large tray of food.

“Wait, you can order room service to the pool?” Gunhee cried in shock as Jooheon handed Changkyun a mimosa.

“You’re just jealous that we’re having a cute breakfast.” The younger rapper shot back, cutting a piece of his waffle and holding it out for Changkyun, who took it without hesitation.

“Yeah, I really am,” Gunhee pouted. He slipped back into the water and rested his chin on the edge of the pool. “Changkyunnie give me a bite!”

“Sorry hyung, Jooheonie got this for us.” Changkyun grinned at the shocked look on the older rapper’s face. There was an explosion of cheers and boos, all done in good fun as Changkyun grinned wider.

“Come swimming with us!” Hoseok called over, his hair sticking to his face and covering his eyes until he swept his bangs back.

“Come on Changkyunnie, let’s go!” He took Changkyun’s hand and pulled him towards the pool, the younger boy giggling the whole time. Before he could ease himself into the cold water, he felt himself falling and was suddenly surrounded by cold. Warm arms surrounded him and then his head breached the water.

“Hyung!” He laughed, gasping for breath and pushing his hair out of his face. He turned to Jooheon who was doubling over with laughter. His hair was plastered to his forehead and the water dripped down his cheeks as he smiled, and Changkyun felt warm despite how cold the water was.

Changkyun felt time stop. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so light and happy. It was if Jooheon had erased every inch of darkness in his heart. Jooheon’s smile alone did more for Changkyun than all the therapists and all the pills and all the ways he tried to fix himself. He knew it was partially infatuation, but he was more than willing to let himself feel happy for once. He knew in less than three hours they would have to go back to the concert venue and he would have to go home, where he would be alone once again.

“Are you okay?” Jooheon’s voice broke through Changkyun’s thoughts. His hand was rough and warm on Changkyun’s cheek.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” He smiled, trying to mask the weight that suddenly rooted itself back in his chest. “Just chilly.”

“I’ll warm you up!” Jooheon wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s neck and his legs around his waist, holding onto his back like a koala. Changkyun waded through the water, Jooheon feeling almost weightless on him, laughing. Jooheon was right, he was warming Changkyun up. The feeling of skin on skin sparked something in Changkyun - something he knew wasn’t sexual, but rather as if he found something he had been missing for a long time. He heard of people being touch starved, but he never thought he fit in that category until that moment.

Changkyun found himself sitting next to Jooheon on one of the recliner chairs, a single towel wrapped around their shoulders as they watched the others play chicken in the pool, Gunhee on Hoseok’s shoulders and Minhyuk on Hyunwoo’s with Hyungwon and Kihyun standing next to them in an attempt to spot them in case they fall.

In the end, Gunhee and Hoseok were the winners, and both Hyungwon and Kihyun had been caught in Minhyuk and Hyunwoo falling that all four were thrown under the water. Changkyun couldn’t help but laugh loudly at the complaining that exploded from the water as soon as their heads broke the surface.

“Hey you cheated!”

“Not fair!”

“You guys are going to break someone’s neck.” Kihyun huffed, pulling himself over the edge of the pool. He shook his head like a dog, soaking Jooheon and Changkyun.

“We should probably go dry off. Our managers are going to be here to bring us to the venue in a bit and I doubt they want us smelling like pool water.” Hyunwoo announced as he dried off his hair. Changkyun felt his stomach drop.

“Don’t forget to order something for lunch too,” Kihyun chimed in. “There’ll be food there but you know it’s always just snacks and we’ll have our asses chewed off if we eat nothing but crap before the show.”

“Come on Changkyunnie, we don’t have time to go out for lunch like I wanted to, but we can do room service again,” he smiled sheepishly, and Changkyun felt like all the air had been squeezed out of his chest. “Hey, don’t give me that face! I know hotel food isn’t the best, but at least I get to eat it with you.”

“It’s not that hyung,” Changkyun said quietly as they walked towards the elevator, the sound of water dripping onto the tiles almost as loud as his own heart beating. “It’s… it’s nothing.”

“It doesn’t seem like nothing,” Jooheon spun so he had Changkyun pinned to the wall. “If there’s something bothering you, please tell me. I know it’s hard to open up, but you can trust me.”

Changkyun knew he could trust Jooheon, just just felt guilty. The older boy had so much to worry about, and despite his confession on the way down to the pool, Changkyun still believed Jooheon’s career was a thousand times more important than him. Just as he was about to open his mouth, the elevator doors pinged.

It was empty, but Changkyun found himself standing a step away from Jooheon. Part of him ached to be tucked under his arm, but at the same time a larger part of him knew the inevitable would hurt even more if he gave in. They silently made their way back to their room, the sounds of the others barely bleeding through the thick doors.

They showered in silence, the only thing spoken was an order to the kitchens. While they waited - Changkyun wearing another one of Jooheon’s shirts - they sat a foot apart on the edge of the bed. Changkyun’s fingers dug into the fabric of his jeans and he wished he had something sharper to take the pain away.

“Changkyun, I’m sorry.” Jooheon said suddenly, breaking the silence and making the younger boy flinch.

“Why- why are you apologizing?” Changkyun cursed himself for stuttering. Jooheon reached over as if to take Changkyun’s hand but at the last moment let his fist clench and land on his thigh. He swallowed thickly before answering.

“I’m sorry for bring you here,” he said hesitantly and Changkyun felt his stomach drop. He knew it. This was the part where Jooheon realizes talking to him was the biggest mistake of his life. “I… I know it’s not fair to you, bringing you into this life. There’s a reason idols don’t really have relationships - romantic or otherwise. Whenever we do, the person ends up realizing how scary and different this world is. I knew you’d figure it out too but I was being selfish… I’m so sorry Changkyunnie. I was selfish and now you’re upset…” He cut off abruptly, and Changkyun was horrified to see tears running down his friend’s cheeks.

“Hyung-”

“It’s okay Changkyun,” Jooheon smiled, but there wasn’t any happiness in it. “I understand… I would rather shoot myself in the foot than make you do anything you didn’t want to do. Just… thank you. Last night and today were so amazing, and… the last few months were- were perfect. I couldn’t have asked for a better friend.”

“Hyung you fucking idiot!” Changkyun threw himself at Jooheon, refusing to cry. He wrapped his arms around Jooheon’s neck and could feel how the rapper tensed briefly before melting into the hug. “I’m not- I’m not mad! I’m so happy I met you… being your friend is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. I’m just… I’m scared. Scared of what’s going to happen once I leave this hotel room. Will it hurt less if I keep some distance? Or should I stay as close as I physically can until I… can’t anymore? I know we can’t date. That would be dangerous to you but… but I don’t want to lose you. I still want to text when you’re free and talk every night even if I fall asleep in class because of time zones and I want you to talk to me when you’re sad or scared or stressed. I can’t lose you but I’m afraid that if I let go, you’ll just… disappear.”

“We’re both stupid, aren’t we?” Jooheon laughed and tugged Changkyun so he could see the younger boy’s face. Changkyun fell so he was kneeling, one knee on either side of Jooheon’s lap, causing Jooheon to have to look up to him sightly. “You’re not getting rid of me any time soon. I need you Changkyunnie.”

Changkyun leaned down and kissed Jooheon softly, as if the perfect moment could stop time entirely, and let himself get lost in the feeling of the older boy’s hands resting carefully on his hips and Jooheon’s lips gently pressing against his own. They lost themselves without the use of tongue or loss of clothing - just the warmth of being close and the flutter in their chests when they would pull away for just a moment before leaning in again and closing the gap.

They stayed that way until there was a knock at the door. Jooheon left Changkyun only long enough to get the tray. They ate their lunch, Changkyun sitting in Jooheon’s lap, feeding each other bites of their own plate - trying to extend their moment for as long as they could, knowing it was almost over.

Too soon, their plates were empty and their bags were packed. They walked to the lobby, hand in hand, refusing to think about what they were about to say. The others were already waiting by the doors, their luggage being taken to the van by their manager. Jooheon’s was taken as a manager came over to Changkyun.

“We’ve arranged for a taxi to take you back to your apartment,” He said, seeming unphased by how close he was standing to the rapper. “It should be here any moment. Someone will come get you when it’s here.”

“Thank you,” Changkyun said to the man before turning to Jooheon. “This is it, I guess…”

“This isn’t goodbye,” Jooheon said quickly, taking both of Changkyun’s hands. “This.. this is just ‘see ya later’, okay? This is the last stop of the tour. We have some stuff to film after, but we should be back in Seoul by the end of the month. You can come see our dorms and… and stay for the weekend and… and this isn’t goodbye. We- we aren’t saying goodbye.” Changkyun could feel Jooheon’s fingers trembling in his own.

“This isn’t goodbye,” he repeated, trying to convince himself it would be alright. “I’ll see you soon hyung. You’re going to do amazing tonight… call me when you can?”

“Of course,” Jooheon smiled at Changkyun, the spark of an idea in his eye. “Just don’t… don’t forget about me, okay? When I’m gone… don’t forget me.”

“I could never forget you,” Changkyun dropped Jooheon’s hands in favor of pulling him into a tight hug. “You’re my best friend hyung. I could never, ever forget about you.”

“I’ll see you soon Changkyun.” Jooheon returned the hug, holding onto Changkyun as if the younger boy was about to disappear into thin air.

“The taxi is here,” They heard the manager say, and held each other even tighter before reluctantly letting go. “Here, I can grab your bag.”

“I’ll see you soon hyung.” Changkyun said one last time before kissing Jooheon on the cheek and turning to follow the manager. He could feel Jooheon’s eyes burning holes into the back of his head, but he was almost afraid to look.

Once he was settled in the taxi and he had given the driver his address, he found the courage to look over to Jooheon. The rapper had been staring at him and immediately perked up when their eyes met. Jooheon held up a heart, tears streaming down his face. Seeing the older boy cry made Changkyun break. He returned the heart, wiping his cheeks on the shoulder of his shirt - of Jooheon’s shirt.

He watched Jooheon until the taxi turned and the older boy was no longer in sight.

* * *

  
Changkyun felt breathless. He had gotten back to his apartment no problem, answered the texts from Jun and Soonyoung with vague responses and went to make himself dinner. He glanced at his phone around seven and realized Jooheon and the others would be starting their concert soon.

He didn’t know why the realization caused his heart to feel like it had been sliced by a knife.

Changkyun had just started on his dinner for one, alone in his apartment, when his phone started to ring. He put down his chopsticks and picked up the device, confused. Why would Jooheon be calling him? The concert only just started. Was something wrong? He answered the call and was greeted by the last thing he ever expected.

“Hey everyone!” Jooheon’s voice said through his mic. Changkyun saw the sea of fans in the screen and felt his eyes sting. “Everyone say hi to my friend!”  
The crowd went wild, screaming and cheering for him. The camera switched around to show Jooheon and the others crowding around to make sure everyone was in the shot.

“Just wanted to call and say hi!” Jooheon said again, his voice booming over the crowd. “Make sure you take care of yourself!”

“Back at you.” Changkyun grinned, not even sure if Jooheon could hear him over the screaming.

“I’ll talk to you soon Changkyunine!” Jooheon cried, turning the camera back to the crowd, who screamed loudly again. Changkyun said bye, but he doubted Jooheon heard because the call instantly cut off. He wasn’t upset though - just the fact that Jooheon thought to call him, during his show nonetheless - made his chest warm.

Changkyun dug into his dinner with enthusiasm, making a mental note to invite Soonyoung and Junhui over to tell them what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I say two more chapters? Look like I was boo boo the fool once again! Here's a little more fluff before the angst tag really kicks in.
> 
> I might be able to update much quicker soon. I'm going to be going into surgery, but I don't know when. I have an appointment tomorrow to talk about that, but when I'm recovering y'all know I'm going to be doing this instead of my homework because I can't prioritize correctly. 
> 
> That being said, thank you everyone for commenting and reading! I genuinely get so excited for each and every comment I receive. I'm such a sucker for validation!


	6. Chapter 6

Changkyun wanted to make everything stop. His phone kept ringing, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer. He knew who it was, and he knew what Jooheon was going to say when he finally did pick up. He had been avoiding the rapper for almost three days - not because he didn’t like the older boy anymore, but because he just couldn’t bring himself to talk to anyone at all.

His depression was back, stronger than ever. Most days, just getting out of bed was too hard. He made an excuse that he had the flu to get out of classes for the week, but he knew that would only work for so long. Soon he would have to force himself out of this black cloud and make himself go back to class but for now he was letting himself wallow in the rib crushing sadness that was slowly killing him.

The phone stopped ringing. Silence.

The phone started ringing again.

Changkyun felt another tear run down his face.

He was a worthless friend. He shouldn’t be avoiding Jooheon - one of the few people he genuinely loved. He never should have befriended the rapper in the first place. He was only causing trouble for the idol. He was nothing more than a burden and he hated himself for trying to drag Jooheon down with him.

The phone stopped ringing.

The phone pinged. A new voicemail.

Changkyun didn’t want to listen to it.

Changkyun picked up the phone and opened the voicemail with lethargic fingers.

“Hey Changkyun,” Jooheon sounded close to tears. Changkyun wanted to hurt himself for hurting Jooheon. “I just… please just let me know you’re okay. I know I haven’t been the best friend recently and I swear I’ll do better just… I’m really worried about you. The others are too. No one’s heard from you in days and we’re- we’re really, really worried about you. I don’t know if you’ve been online recently, but people are talking about how I called you at the concert. They think it’s really cute that I have a friend… apparently they were worried about me too. They think I work too hard, and are happy that I have someone to talk to even if they don’t know who you are. Maybe when we’re home again we can go out, like… in public… only if you’re okay with it of course! I just thought maybe it could be fun, you know? Sorry, I’m rambling again aren’t I? Anyway, I just wanted to call to see if you were okay… I miss your voice… a lot. It’s not the same, not talking to you. It feels like something in me is missing and I don’t know how to get it back… Please be okay… I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to you… oh, my manager is back. I have to go. I’ll try calling again after practice. If you want me to stop… just tell me okay? I know I can be a little much sometimes… okay then… bye Changkyun… I miss you.”

The voicemail ended and Changkyun felt like a knife sliced his chest open. He saved the voicemail and locked his phone, letting it fall onto the counter. It hit with a concerning crack but he didn’t care. He slid from the kitchen chair and onto the couch, where he had been sleeping. He couldn’t bring himself to go to the bedroom, where Jooheon’s shirt was on the bed and his face was on the walls.

He didn’t think he had any more tears, but he surprised himself yet again. He didn’t want to cry, but he couldn’t stop the sobs that wracked his chest. He didn’t want to feel this way, but no matter what he did, he always found himself back in this pit of sadness - this bone tiredness that never went away no matter how much he slept. It was like he was trying to run a race with cement shoes. He wanted to give up.

He knew he needed to call Jooheon back - or at least text him and let him know that he’s still alive - but he didn’t. He buried his face in the flattened couch pillow and let himself collapse into an exhausted sleep.

* * *

  
“Come on… please pick up…” Jooheon felt hopeless. It had been five days since he had last had any contact with Changkyun and he was terrified to say the least. Minhyuk had come to him after the second day of no contact and told the rapper what had happened at the hotel. It broke his heart, and double his fears. The images of Changkyun hurting himself became sharper and clearer with each unanswered ring.

All the things that Changkyun had said but he had dismissed came coming back, and Jooheon couldn’t believe he was so blind to his friend’s pain.

“... hello?” Just as Jooheon was about to end the call, a deep voice on the other line answered. Jooheon almost screamed.

“Changkyun? Is that you?” He asked frantically. The screen was black - why wasn’t Changkyun showing his face? Why couldn’t Jooheon see him?

“Yeah…” Changkyun sounded different, like he was losing his voice.

“Are you alright? I haven’t heard from you in days! I’ve been so worried.” Jooheon tried to keep his voice steady but the tremors worked their way through his words.

“....’m sorry hyung…” Something wasn’t right.

“Please don’t apologize. I just… I’m just glad to know you’re okay.”

“What if I’m not?”

“What?” Jooheon felt his stomach drop. Hyunwoo came into the room, a silent question written on his face. Jooheon gestured for him to stay quiet.

“What if I’m not okay?” The phone shifted and Jooheon caught a flash of light before the screen went black again. That meant Changkyun was purposely blocking the camera - purposely stopping Jooheon from seeing what was going on.

“Then… that’s okay too. We can handle whatever is going on together. Just… let me in. We’re in this together, remember? I’m always here for you.” He could feel himself growing frantic. He needed Changkyun to know he wasn’t alone. He couldn’t lose Changkyun.

“I’m sorry for being such a burden,” Changkyun’s voice sounded more slurred. “I should never have gotten you involved… Now you’re upset and it’s all my fault… I’m worthless… stupid, fucking worthless Changkyun…”

“Hey, stop saying those things,” Jooheon was really scared now. “Changyun, let me see your face. Please… I need to see you.”

“I’m ugly… you shouldn’t want to see me…”

“You’re so beautiful… who told you that you were ugly? I swear I’ll break their nose!”

“Just forget about me hyung. It’ll be better that way… everyone does in the end anyway… it’ll save us both time. Maybe it’ll hurt less if you leave me now.”

“I’m not going to leave you,” Jooheon frantically gestured for Hyunwoo to take out his phone. “Changkyun, where are you right now?”

“...bathroom.”

“Are you alone?”

“Always…” Changkyun sobbed and Jooheon’s panic grew.

“Changkyun, are you hurt?” Jooheon didn’t get a real answer. All he got was more sobs. “Changkyun please, are you hurt?”

“It hurts hyung… it hurts so much…” he sobbed, screen still blank.

“It’s okay Changkyunnie… hyung will make things okay,” he turned to Hyunwoo, blocking the microphone on the call, and whispered. “Find his friends. Their names are… Junhui and Soonyoung. They follow him on instagram.. Message them and tell them to find him.” Hyunwoo nodded silently and looked down at his screen, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

“Hyung, I’m so sorry for bothering you… I never should have picked up the phone… I need to go-”

“NO!” Jooheon yelled, panicking loudly. “No god please stay on. Please stay on with me? Please Changkyun? Please stay on…”

“I’m sorry…” he sobbed again.

“Changkyun, baby please… let me see you? Please love, I need to see your face.” Jooheon begged. He would have done anything to see Changkyun. The boy hesitated before there was more shuffling. The camera was blinded by the sudden light and it took a moment before adjusting enough for Jooheon to see.

Changkyun was a mess. Jooheon could see his hair, plastered to his forehead, and his cheeks, blotchy and red from crying. His face looked pale and almost sickly. The eyes that Jooheon loved so much were swollen and red, more tears streaming down his face. He sobbed over and over, and Jooheon felt as though his world was crumbling around him. Changkyun reached up to wipe his cheek, leaving a red smear on the flushed skin. Jooheon forgot how to breathe.

Changkyun was hurt.

Changkyun was hurt.

Changkyun was bleeding.

Changkyun was hurt.

“Ch-changkyun what did you do?” He whispered in horror, wet tears dropping from his eyelashes but he didn’t notice. Changkyun sobbed harder.

“I’m s-sorry hyung,” he cried, his sobs causing him to cough violently. “I’m such… such a fuck up.”

“You’re not a fuck up,” Jooheon was desperate to get through to the boy. “Please believe me. You’re amazing Changkyun. You couldn’t be a fuck up even if you tried.”

“Oh god I’m such a worthless- worthless fucking failure!” He screamed, ripping his hair out by the fistfull. His breathing started to pick up, and Jooheon could see his chest heaving rapidly. Changkyun was going to pass out if he kept going.

“Changkyun please listen to me.” Jooheon sobbed. He was so, so afraid. He was… helpless. There was nothing he could do to save the person he loved. He finally found someone he loved and he was going to lose him because he couldn’t help.

Jooheon could have prevented this, but he had listened to Changkyun when he said he was okay. He listened to Changkyun when the younger boy promised there was nothing going on. If he had pushed - if he had followed his gut feeling - Changkyun wouldn’t be alone, bleeding out in his bathroom.

This was all his fault.

“I’m sorry hyung…” Changkyun could barely talk. “Please- please don’t hate me… Please don’t- don’t h-hate me.”

“I could never-” Jooheon was cut off by the sound of the door slamming open. Unfamiliar voices started yelling - someone yelling Changkyun’s name, someone else yelling for an ambulance, someone else yelling to stop the bleeding.

“Stay with me you fucker!” Someone moved in front of the camera. Jooheon saw the person wrap a hand towel around Changkyun’s wrist, the off white instantly stained a sickly red that would haunt Jooheon’s dreams.

“They’re almost here!” Another voice called. How many people where there?

“Please Changkyun,” Jooheon sobbed, hoping someone would hear him. “Please be okay.”

“Jooheon?” The phone was picked up and Jooheon saw someone that was only vaguely familiar. He was one of the people Changkyun posted pictures with - Soonyoung, maybe?

“Please… help him.”

“We will. The ambulance is here…. How did it get this bad without any of us noticing?” He asked, more to himself than to Jooheon. The boy’s round face had tears running from red rimmed eyes. “Oh god his phone is about to die. Jooheon he’ll be okay, okay? I’ll try to-”

Before he could finish his sentence, the call cut.

Jooheon sat there, silent tears running down his face as he stared at the call end screen. He felt strong arms wrap around him, and it opened up the floodgates. He turned his face into Hoseok’s shoulder and sobbed hard enough that his hyung was worried the rapper was going to snap a rib.

“He’s going to be okay Honey…” Hoseok whispered, gently rocking his maknae in an attempt to comfort him.

“He’s going to die!” Jooheon screamed, trying to claw at his face. Hyungwon rushed over and grabbed at the boy’s hands. “He’s- he’s going to leave me! He’s going to leave me… this is all my fault-” he sobbed again, his own cried cutting off his words.

“He’s not going to die,” Gunhee took Jooheon’s face in his hands. “Jooheon listen to me. He’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay. You have to calm down first though, okay?”

“Oh god… I can’t lose him… I love him so m-much…” Jooheon could feel himself shutting down. Hoseok kept rocking him, and his eyes felt too heavy to keep open anymore. The last thing to run through his mind before he passed out was how much he wished he had hugged Changkyun tighter before he let the younger boy leave the hotel that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update and a long note at the end.  
> I'm going into surgery on October 8th to have my entire right ovary removed. Apparently the cyst is now the size of a six month fetus, and they have to make an incision from my belly button down to my bikini line. It's going to take two weeks to even be able to walk again, so I'm going to have to withdrawal from all my classes this semester and retake them in the spring.  
> I don't know how long it'll be until the net update. The next week and a half is going to be a lot of talking to professors and advisers and doctors. I'll definitely have more time to write when I'm in the hospital and recovering, so look forward to (hopefully) many more chapters and stories. I have some ideas for short chapter fics and oneshots that I've been meaning to do, and if anyone has any requests let me know. I'll have more than enough time on my hands to try and write a few of your suggestions. I already have one lined up from my dear friend Rebecca.  
> Sorry for the long note, and thanks for supporting me and this dumb fic. It really does mean the world to me that people enjoy my writing. it makes me feel a little less alone...


	7. Chapter 7

Jooheon was a mess.

The call with Changkyun was three days ago and he hadn’t heard anything from the younger boy since. He tried contact Changkyun’s friends, but he wasn’t even sure if his messages were going through. The only response he received was a single text from someone named Seungcheol who said Changkyun was in the hospital.

After he had passed out in Hoseok’s arms they placed him in his bed, and after three days the rapper had yet to come out of his room. The others made excuses that he was sick to cover him at practices and meetings, but they could only lie so much.

“Honey please…” Kihyun talking to the door, a plate of food in his hands. He had been trying to get the maknae to eat something since he holed himself in his room, but nothing he tried seemed to get through to the boy.

“Hyung, let me try,” Hyungwon gently pushed Kihyun aside and leaned against the door. “Jooheon, can I come in?”

“Go away…” Jooheon’s voice barely filtered through the wood.

“I won’t make you talk, I just wanna see you.” Hyungwon knew the younger boy was inconsolable, but he also knew Jooheon being alone was the worst thing he could be.

There was a hesitation before there was a click of a lock being undone. Hyungwon smiled and opened the door just enough for his slim frame to slip in before quickly closing it behind him.

The room was dark, and if it weren’t for the open window it would have been stifling. Jooheon had crawled back under his blankets. Hyungwon looked over at bunk beds that Minhyuk and Gunhee shared - their owners had been crashing on the couch and in the other room since Jooheon locked himself away.

“Can I sit here?” Hyungwon asked, putting a little pressure on the bed so Jooheon knew what he was asking. The blob of blankets moved, which Hyungwon took as a yes. The older boy sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the lump close to him. Jooheon instantly curled around his hyung silently.

“I miss him…” Jooheon whispered. Hyungwon held him tighter.

“I know Honey… but he’s still recovering. It’ll be a little while before he can talk again like before.”

“I just want to know he’s okay… what if- what if they weren’t able to save him? What if he really did die and that’s why no one will answer me?” He didn’t think he had any more tears, yet one worked its way down his cheek.

“He’s okay. I can feel it.” Hyungwon didn’t really know how to comfort the other boy. No one had ever seen Jooheon like this before, and to say they were scared would be an understatement. The way he cried when Changkyun was being taken away still haunted their dreams.

Jooheon had sounded like he was the one dying.

“I’m sorry for worrying everyone,” Jooheon said after a pregnant pause. “I’ve been trying to get my shit together but-”

“It’s alright,” Hyungwon said instantly. He refused to let Jooheon feel bad about it. “We just want you to be okay. Maybe later we can get some ramen or something. You must be starving.”

“I’m not hungry… every time hyung tries to make me eat I feel like throwing up.”

“Well, you should at least drink some water. Have you been sleeping?” Hyungwon watched as Jooheon wiggled his way from under the blankets. The boy looked pale, his eyes bloodshot and painful looking.

“Everytime I close my eyes… I see Changkyun with the blood on his face…” he shuddered and Hyungwon understood.

“Hey, it’s alright,” he pulled Jooheon onto his lap, not caring that the younger boy was heavy. All that mattered was that Jooheon knew he wasn’t alone. “We can stay like this for as long as you need.”

Jooheon froze for a moment before resting his head on Hyungwon’s shoulder and relaxed into his hyung’s touch. He felt his eyes grow heavy. For the first time in days, he was able to sleep.

* * *

  
Changkyun’s hands shook so badly he dropped his phone before he could even press the call button. He was grateful to see only one new crack on his screen protector before taking a deep breath and trying again.

He had been release from the hospital after he had been evaluated by the psychologists there. He explained countless times that he hadn’t been trying to kill himself - he just wanted to feel something and accidentally went too deep. They scheduled him to see a therapist once a week, and gave him a daily antidepressant to take with the thought that he might have to take something for his anxiety as well. It had been four days on the new medication and even though he knew it would take up to two weeks for there to be any change, Changkyun was already growing impatient.

He took another deep breath and moved to his bed, taking a moment to prop his phone up with a pillow. His trembling fingers hesitated over the one contact that he had been trying to work up the courage to call since he woke up in a white room. He decided to treat it like ripping off a bandage and quickly slammed his finger into the call button. He almost immediately hung up when the call started ringing, but he froze. By the time he unfroze, Jooheon had already answered the call.

They didn’t say anything at first. Jooheon just stared at him in the small screen as if he had come back from the dead - as far as the rapper knew, that’s exactly what happened. Changkyun knew he had to say something, but his tongue felt too big in his mouth.

“Hyung…” his voice shook and Jooheon looked pained. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“You’re okay…”

“I’m… I’m getting there,” Changkyun admitted, closing his eyes to recenter himself. “They just let me out of the hospital. I’ve been… trying to work up the courage to call you for almost an hour now.”

“What… what happened?” It was Jooheon’s turn to sound broken. Changkyun fiddled with the string of his sleep pants. They weren’t technically his - he was staying with Seungcheol until his medication started to work, and even then he was going to be kept under a sharp eye. He was borrowing his friend’s clothes for the night, and they were going to go together to Changkyun’s apartment to get some of his own stuff.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” he started. He had been rehearsing what he was going to say to Jooheon for days. “Um, I was just… I have depression. I should probably have started with that… I- um… I get in these funks where I can’t move and everything hurts…” Changkyun felt tears stinging at his eyes. He felt so… vulnerable. “When it gets like that I- well I um, hurt myself… to control my feelings and- and to not feel so numb, I guess… it’s been going on for… oh man, like… six years now? I’ve been trying to be more open about everything but… but i felt like such a burden on you. You always seem so tired and worn down. The last thing I wanted to do was make things any harder for you… I guess… when I picked up that day I- my mind decided to take things into its own hands,” he chuckled humorlessly and wiped his cheek. Jooheon didn’t say anything. “I didn’t even realize I answered your call until you started talking to me. You know… I- I got all your voicemails. I saved every one… sometimes I would play them back just- just to hear your voice again. I wanted to c-call, but I thought you would h-hate- hate me for ignoring you…” He sobbed, trying to bite his lip to stop the sound from escaping. The door instantly opened and Seungcheol came in. He wrapped an arm around the boy as Changkyun frantically tried to stop his tears.

“I could never hate you.” Jooheon whispered, finding it hard to speak properly.

“I was so afraid to lose you that I pushed you away, like fucking idiot.” Changkyun whimpered. Seungcheol sat behind the boy, wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s waist and resting his face on the boy’s shoulder. Changkyun seemed to relax into his friend’s warmth. Seungcheol had promised the boy to be moral support during the call, and he was determined to help his friend.

“You’re not an idiot. I’m just… god I’m so glad you’re okay.” Jooheon felt his body melt. Seeing Changkyun - hearing his voice again - sapped all the tension in his muscles.

“They had me start medication to hopefully help with my depression. They said if it doesn’t help enough they’ll have me start something for anxiety too,” Changkyun was ashamed to need medication, but felt that Jooheon deserved to know everything after what happened. “It’s… I don’t like it. I don’t like that I have to rely on pills to be okay but… but I don’t want to scare you like that ever again.”

“I’m really proud of you Changkyunnie,” Jooheon didn’t know how to feel. It was obvious the younger boy wasn’t comfortable taking medication, but he was doing it anyway? For Jooheon? “And… there’s nothing wrong with taking medication. Depression is brain thing, right? It’s like taking cold medication. It’s not going to control you, just act like a cast for a broken bone or something.”

“I guess you’re right…” Changkyun looked away. Jooheon could see how dark the bags under his eyes were. Poor boy probably hadn’t slept well in the hospital, not that Jooheon blamed him. The one time he went for overworking himself, the rapper was ready to check himself out after an hour.

“Hey, would you be up to coming to Starship? I have practice, but maybe if you’re feeling up to it you could hang out and stuff? We already know the choreography so there won’t be anyone but us there. Maybe we could teach you some of the steps?” Jooheon asked nervously. He didn’t want to pile too much on the boy so soon, but at the same time he needed to see Changkyun. He needed his friend.

Changkyun hesitated before glancing back to Seungcheol, who had been listening to their conversation silently. The older boy smiled softly and whispered something, causing Changkyun’s face to light up.

“Um, yeah,” he said, sounding almost nervous. “I’d love to… but, would it be okay if Cheol hyung came too? I’m staying with him until the medication starts to work and I know he’ll feel better if he can keep an eye on me.”

“I don’t see why it would be an issue,” Jooheon felt relieved. He was afraid Changkyun was going to say no - was going to push him away again. “I’ll let the front desk know you’ll be coming. Text me when you’re here and I’ll meet you in the lobby. We start dance practice at three! I’m supposed to be in vocal training right now but when I saw it was you calling… they understand why I ran out so fast.” he chuckled awkwardly, and Changkyun felt his chest swell. How could he have tried to push Jooheon away?

“I’ll see you later hyung.” Changkyun smiled, the first real smile in weeks, and Jooheon felt his heart skip a beat.

“See you soon love.” Jooheon smiled back. He hung up before he could get embarrassed and ran back to the practice room.

“Whoah, that was quick,” Gunhee commented as the door was flung open. “I wasn’t expecting you back for at least an hour…. How’s Changkyun?”

“He’s… I invited him to come by later and watch our dance practice,” Jooheon admitted sheepishly. “He looked… hyung he looked like death… They put him on antidepressants and he said he didn’t like them but he was doing it for me... “

“He really loves you.”

“Really? Me?” Jooheon couldn’t help how small his voice sounded.

“Let me guess, he didn’t tell you anything because he didn’t want to burden you? He felt that his problems would just add more stress on you and he knew you were already stressed enough as it is?”

“How- how did you know?” Jooheon was floored.

“Because he loves you. I’ve… I’ve been there before.” Gunhee looked away, unable to meet Jooheon’s eye at the sudden confession.

“Hyung…”

“It’s in the past now,” He said, abruptly closing his notebook and standing. He placed a hand on Jooheon’s shoulder. “What matters now is that Changkyun is okay and that you’re going to be able to see him. I know you’re going to get emotional when he gets here but remember- he just got out of the hospital. He’s going to be a little weak, so you can’t go tackling him or anything, okay?”

“I know hyung,” Jooheon felt himself tear up. He was… overwhelmed to say the least. He was also confused- why hadn’t Gunhee told him about being in love before? He thought his hyung would have mentioned it when he was teasing the younger rapper, but whatever happened obviously was too serious to joke about, which was uncharacteristic of his friend. “I’m just… so relieved. I thought I lost him.”

“Lets go tell the others,” Gunhee saw Jooheon’s eyes turning glassy and tried to redirect the other boy. “I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear the good news.”

“Yeah,” Jooheon blinked a few times and smiled. “Yeah, they’ll be excited to see him again.”

* * *

  
“I don’t know if I can do this…” Changkyun whispered in horror. He looked up at the Starship building, the anxiety in his chest making him want to throw up. Seungcheol placed a comforting hand on his shoulder and smiled at him.

“It’s alright Changkyunnie,” He said warmly. Changkyun was reminded again why he had been appointed unofficial leader of their group. “You’re just going to hang out. Maybe get some food. It’s just friends being friends. Nothing to worry about.”

“Yeah, just friends hanging out, being friends.” Changkyun told himself. He felt his phone vibrate - Jooheon confirming that he was heading to the lobby of the building.

“Just sign here.” The young woman at the desk instructed, handing them a clipboard. Changkyun signed his name and handed it to Seungcheol. The woman quickly printed them visitor passes and told them to wait for someone to escort them. Within a minute of sitting, the door to the stairwell burst open and the lobby was filled with the sounds of panting.

“Changkyun!” Jooheon cried, running over to the boy, only to stop a few feet from him.

“Did- did you run down the stairs?” Changkyun asked, amused.

“Of course!” Jooheon said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I couldn’t wait for the elevator.”

“Honey…” Changkyun felt his eyes sting and he rushed over to the other boy, hugging his as tightly as he could. His arm was still sore, a thick bandage wrapped around the stitches. Seungcheol was going to take him to get them removed in a few days.

Jooheon wrapped his arms around his friend, holding him as if he was afraid Changkyun would shatter if he put too much pressure into the embrace. They two boys stood in the lobby until Jooheon’s breathing returned to normal. Changkyun was the first to pull away, and he laughed a little when he realize they both had tears running down their cheeks.

“The others are still warming up,” Jooheon grinned as he wiped his face. “Come on.” he took Changkyun’s hand and it was if the younger boy could finally take a deep breath again. The elevator ride seemed to go by in the blink of an eye and before he knew it, Changyun was hesitating in front of the studio door.

“It’s alright Changkyunnie,” Seungcheol prompted gently. “Go on.”

“Changkyun!” His name rang out from around the room as he slowly opened the door. The boys were on the floor in various stages of stretching, minus Gunhee who was leaning against the mirror on his phone. He was texting, and looked more serious than Changkyun thought possible.

“Do you want to stretch with us?” Hyunwoo called over. “It’s not good to work your body without loosening it up a little first.”

“Hyung, he’s twenty two,” Minhyuk snickered, rolling into a straddle and resting his chin on the ground. “I’m sure he’s well versed in loosening his body. I’m sure Honey will become familiar with it soon enough too.” he grinned and rolled away as Jooheon aimed a kick at his face, the rapper’s own face beet red.

It took a second for Changkyun to realize what Minhyuk had been implying, and when he did he couldn’t hold back a snort. Everyone turned to look at him, relief and wonder on their faces as the youngest started laughing outright. He went and sat on the floor next to Jooheon and started copying him - he quickly realized the rapper was way more flexible than Changkyun could ever dream of being.

“It’s good to see you again,” Hyunwoo came over to finish his own stretches with the two youngest. “You’re going to want to bend from the waist. If you bend from your middle you won’t get any real stretch.”

Changkyun did as he said and instantly groaned. It was a thousand times harder that way, but he could feel what Hyunwoo meant by getting a better stretch.

One by one, the members started standing and cracking various joints from being on the floor so long. Changkyun remembered Jooheon talking about how they all sounded like they were eighty because apparently dancing makes your bones crack. He thought it was funny then, and thought it was even funnier hearing it in person.

He sat against the mirror as the members got into position. He glanced over to Seungcheol, who was sitting in a corner, and smiled when the older boy gave him a thumbs up. Changkyun’s eyes went back to the others. The music started and Changkyun was amazed. They were perfectly insync, and he was even a little intimidated by how serious and sexy they looked. He had to admit, as soft as Hoseok was when he turned into Wonho he was a machine. Changkyun felt himself grinning as he watched Jooheon. He could tell the rapper was giving it his all, as if it was the most important performance in his life.

When the music ended, Changkyun couldn’t help but stand and cheer. They already looked exhausted, Jooheon moreso than the others. Changkyun handed his friend a water bottle when he came over, feeling like the proud girlfriend of the football captain.

“Well?” he asked through his pants. “What did you think?’

“You guys… whenever I think I’m the most impressed you come up with something else to prove me wrong,” Changkyun said with a grin. “That was so cool! How long did it take you to learn that?”

“Erm, two weeks? Give or take?” Hyungwon said. He looked the least winded out of the group, and even then his face was red and his hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat.

“Two weeks?” The concept seemed impossible to Changkyun.

“Yeah, this choreo is surprisingly easy compared to some of the stuff we’ve done in the past.” Hoseok gave Changkyun a crooked grin as he finished his water bottle.

“That was easy?” Changkyun didn’t believe him one bit.

“Come on, wanna learn the chorus?” Hyunwoo offered with a warm smile. Changkyun felt nervous - he hadn’t danced since he studied abroad years ago - but he went and stood behind the leader. “Okay, so you’re going to start with your right foot, and slide it out on an angle like this.”

Changkyun realized that he was having fun learning the choreography. Hoseok had been right, it really wasn’t that difficult when they went through it slowly. It felt good to move around after being stuck in a hospital bed for so long.

“Damn, Changkyun you’re really good at this.” Hoseok commented, impressed.

“Maybe he should become a trainee.” Kihyun said jokingly.

“He wouldn’t even have to be a trainee,” Jooheon said boldly. “He’d be put right in. He’s just that good.”

“Ah, I’m really not…” Changkyun felt his cheeks heating up. He wasn’t that good, but hearing his actual idols say he was good enough to be an idol himself made his chest swell. Gunhee looked at his phone and mumbled something about a call before excusing himself from the room.

“So,” Changkyun grinned, suddenly filled with energy. “What’s the next part?”

* * *

  
“You understand what this means, right?”

“Of course... “ the words were spit with venom.

“You can’t be angry with me. This wasn’t my idea. My hands are tied here.”

“Are they really? Or are you just making excuses? Like usual.”

“Don’t talk to me like that.” The voice was getting irritated, that much was clear even over the phone.

“And if I don’t do it?”

“Then you’re putting the others at risk too.”

“I…”

“Think about what I said. You don’t have to make a decision just yet.”

“But…”

“I think we can work a nice compromise, if you’re willing to.”

“What’s going to happen to-”

“I’ll take care of that. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

“I can’t believe you’re pulling this shit, and now of all times…”

“Don’t worry Gunhee, everything will work in your favor if you just do what you’re told.” The person on the other line hung up without another word, leaving the rapper with an end call screen that reflected the rage in his face. He could hear the others talking in the practice room and felt the rage turn to despair.

What was he going to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So turns out I have a lot of free time now that I don't have to worry about studying anymore...  
> I had to take a test this morning and the professor offered that I didn't actually have to but I wanted some normalcy... I ended up turning it in half blank and crying in front of the class lmao I finally managed to get to college and was just getting used to things, now I have to go and tell all my professors that I won't be coming back anymore.... haha...


	8. Chapter 8

“You should invite Changkyun over again.” Gunhee said casually. Jooheon looked up from his phone with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m not going to let you steal my boyfriend.” He said, eyes sliding back to the device in his hands.

“First of all, still not your boyfriend,” The older rapper pointed out, not for the first time and certainly not the last time. “You still haven’t asked him out. You can’t just assume you’re dating because that just causes problems. Have you ever watched a drama? Ever?”

“I get it,” Jooheon rolled his eyes, tired of hearing the same lecture and even more tired of Gunhee being right. He needed to talk to Changkyun soon about what they were, but he was okay with waiting and keeping things perfect for a little longer. “What’s the second point?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, secondly I just thought everyone would be happy if the kid came by again. Everyone adores him, and he seems to be doing a lot better when he’s with you,” He hesitated, not sure if the younger boy would be willing to answer the next question. “Say, how long has he been on the new medication?”

“Um,” Jooheon paused but smiled a little. “About a month now.”

“Has there been any changes?”

“I think so,” His smile softened. “He says it’s easier to ignore the voices that tell him bad things and it’s harder to slip into bad days. I’m worried that he’s going to get apathetic… I read that one side effect is that you can become detached from your emotions.”

“I’m glad he’s doing better, but you have more to do with this than the medication. You know that right?” Gunhee looked as his friend carefully. He knew Jooheon had changed since meeting Changkyun. Before, the younger rapper would overwork himself, bottling up his emotions until he would explode. There had been more than one occasion where the youngest members of their group snapped and took his anger out on whatever wall was nearby. Gunhee was more than happy that he didn’t have to bandage his friend’s knuckles anymore. The boy was happier too - more open with his feelings and smiling more. Gunhee had been shocked the first time Jooheon came to him, asking to talk and breaking down in his arms.

Gunhee knew Changkyun was good for Jooheon, so why did he feel like he was losing his best friend? Losing everything?

“He said he’s free today.” Jooheon’s voice broke through Gunhee’s thoughts.

“Cool,” His smile was genuine. His plan needed to go into effect soon. “Tell him I’ll buy you two dinner after.”

“You don’t have to do that hyung.” Jooheon’s cheeks colored some and Gunhee felt a rush of pride.

“Let me take care of you while I can, okay?”

“Why are you talking like you’ll never see me again?” Jooheon whined, laying on his back and looking at the other rapper upside down. “It’s not like we’re disbanding anytime soon. Hell, we’re more popular now more than ever.”

“I know,” Gunhee turned so his friend wouldn’t see the pain in his eyes. “I just get a little sentimental sometimes. Let me do this?”

“I’m not going to turn down free food, though Kyunnie might try to slip you some cash to pay you back.” Jooheon rolled over and sat up, tossing his phone up to his pillow.

“I won’t let him do that,” Gunhee said with a wink. “Now come on, your not-boyfriend will beat us there if we don’t get moving!”

* * *

  
“Why don’t you let Changkyun fill in for me? I have to go to the bathroom and I’m sure he’ll be able to learn it quickly enough,” Gunhee grinned at the younger boy, panting after the most recent run through. “Besides, I’m sure he already knows my lines too.”

“Are you feeling alright hyung?” Changkyun asked, feeling uneasy. Something had seemed off with Gunhee for a few weeks, but he didn’t feel close enough to the older rapper to say anything about it.

“Yeah, I guess something I ate isn’t agreeing with me,” he laughed, but Changkyun could see how pale he looked. “I’d bet money that by the time I get back you’ll have my bit down better than I do.”

“Hurry back okay? Do you want me to call the manager? You’re looking kinda sick.” Kihyun came over and tested the rapper’s forehead with the back of his hand.

“I’m okay,” he smiled at the vocalist. “I’ll be as quick a I can.”

Before anyone could say anything else, the oldest rapper sprinted from the room, leaving behind seven sets of worried eyes. Changkyun fidgeted a little in the folding seat that had unofficially become his chair.

“He’s not wrong,” Hyungwon broke the silence. “Changkyun probably knows all of our parts by now.”

“Would you want to try Gunhee’s part?” Hyunwoo offered.

“Is that okay?” Changkyun’s feeling of unease seemed to grow.

“He’ll be right back, but if you know the choreography it’ll help the rest of us,” Hoseok chimed in. “It’s harder to practice with a hole, you know?”

“I’ll step in for now, if it’ll be better for you guys.” Changkyun accepted the offer hesitantly.

They got into position and waited for the music to start. Even though Changkyun knew the steps by heart, he felt like a outsider. It was one thing to just dance to the music, but having a spot in the choreography was something else entirely.

The music started and Changkyun felt his body move. He wasn’t going to admit it, but he had been practicing in Seungcheol’s living room. While his medication was working, his friend still liked it when he would stay over, the older boy arranging sleepovers more often than not just because he felt more comfortable when Changkyun was close by.

Changkyun danced his heart out, enjoying how his muscles started to burn from the strain. It felt good to put his all into something that wasn’t just running or weight lifting - he hated both, which was why he avoided the gym. He started by just mouthing the words, but as soon as Gunhee’s part started to loom closer, he couldn’t help but get more into it. He started rapping in earnest when it was his turn, feeling confidence that he never knew he had. He played up the words, adding his own gestures and moves.

He felt… good. He felt right.

The song ended and he let out a whoop of excitement.

“That was so much fun!” his eyes shone with joy and Jooheon felt his friend’s energy leaking into everyone in the room. The other boys seemed to perk up a little at how Changkyun was jumping from foot to foot. “Can we do it again?”

“You never told me you could rap!” Jooheon was the first to scold the younger boy.

“I didn’t think I was any good,” Changkyun felt his cheeks flush. “I mainly just rap along with you and Gunhee hyung when I listen to your music. I like to rap along with other bands too but you’re my favorite.”

“That’s… so adorable it’s almost gross.” Kihyun fake gagged from where he was sitting. Hoseok gave him a playful kick.

“I think it’s sweet,” He grinned at his friend, who just rolled his eyes. “It’s about Jooheon had something nice in his life.”

“You really were amazing Changkyun,” Hyunwoo came over, ignoring Hoseok and Kihyun snickering in the corner. “You’re a natural.”

“Ah, I don’t think I’m that good,” Changkyun pushed his bangs from his face awkwardly. “I don’t think I’d be able to do this for a living like you guys but I definitely had fun.” he grinned and laughed, and everyone in the room felt their heart beat a little faster.

“This kid really doesn’t know the effect he had on people, does he?” Minhyuk murmured. Hoseok and Hyungwon nodded - Changkyun had this effect on people that he didn’t even seem to realize he had. Whenever he smiles like that - so innocently and so genuinely - it makes the room a few degrees warmer.

“I think I’m going to head back to the dorms,” Gunhee came into the practice room looking even worse than when he left. “I feel like fucking death…”

“Oh shit hyung you look like death too.” Jooheon grabbed a water bottle and went over to the other rapper, who took it gratefully.

“How did our Changkyunnie do?” He asked after taking a few small sips. That was one cue something was wrong - Gunhee was the kind of person to drain half the bottle in two gulps, so seeing him take small sips just looked wrong.

“Really well!” Jooheon turned to Changkyun, who was too busy being worried for Gunhee than focusing on Jooheon’s praise.

“Would you guys wanna run through it again so I can see before I go?”

“Are you sure you’re up for that?” Kihyun rested the back of his hand on Gunhee’s forehead again and frowned.

“If I die in the three and a half minutes of the song, I’ll die a happy man.” he said, a hint of his usual joking tone back.

“If you’re sure,” Hoseok stood and stretched. “But make sure you take a hot shower when you get back and go to bed, okay? We need you healthy for the comeback.”

Changkyun was the only one who seemed to notice the dark look that flashed over Gunhee’s face as they got into place. Gunhee sat with his back against the mirrors so he’d have a full view and pressed play.

He was floored to say the least. He knew Changkyun was talented, but when it was time for the younger boy to rap, he competely blew Gunhee away. Changkyun added his own flare to the verse that Gunhee never would have even dreamt of. He jumped and moved to the beat of the rap as if it was as natural as breathing. Even when Changkyun and Jooheon rapped together, their chemistry was like nothing Gunhee had ever seen before. The one thing that blew him away was the absolute, unfiltered joy in Changkyun’s face He can truthfully say he had never seen such pure happiness in someone’s face, and he realized he had made the right decision.

For the band and for Changkyun.

The music ended and Gunhee clapped loudly. Everyone grinned at Changkyun, who was panting even harder. He had given his performance for Gunhee his all, and he was starting to feel the strain. His side burned like someone stuck a knife between his ribs and his throat burned from the harsh gasps of air he was struggling to find. But he was happy.

“I’m gonna get going before I throw up on the floors but damn Changkyun, that was amazing,” Gunhee grinned at the youngest, who returned it eagerly. “This is definitely something I could see you doing for real.”

“Really?” Changkyun looked at the older rapper with large, wide eyes and Gunhee had to remind himself that he was basically Jooheon’s boyfriend.

“Yeah really,” His smile softened at how happy the boy seemed just from a compliment. “I’ll see you later, alright kiddo? Make sure this one here doesn’t overwork himself. Text me if you need anything, okay?”

“Of course hyung,” Changkyun giggled and Gunhee saw Jooheon coyly take his hand. “Take care of yourself too. I can make some soup and bring it by if you want.”

“Ya, don’t worry too much about me,” His smile twisted into a sarcastic, lopsided grin. “I’ll just waste away under the unforgiving care of Kihyun-”

“You better watch your mouth.” Said vocalist threatened with a sharp look. Gunhee abruptly stopped talking and gave a exaggerated salute before winking at Changkyun and leaving the room.

Hyunwoo watched him go with a blank expression. Blank was better than the rage burning in his chest.

“Let’s teach Changkyun the other song,” the leader said suddenly. “Let’s see if we can challenge him.”

* * *

  
“Are you sure it’s okay for you to sneak out?” Changkyun asked for the third time.

“It’s not really sneaking out if everyone knows,” Jooheon said as he adjusted the bag under his arm. The boys had been given two whole days off because of a pipe break that caused all the practice rooms to flood. Jooheon jumped at the chance to spend the weekend with Changkyun, and promptly invited himself over to the younger boy’s apartment. “Besides, I would have done anything to be able to spend time with you.”

“Cheesy…” Changkyun grumbled, unable to hide the faint smile on his lips. He opened the door to the apartment and let his friend in first. He turned his back to Jooheon to close and lock the door.

“Ya, look at me.” Jooheon demanded. Changkyun quickly whipped his head around, only to find Jooheon’s lips on his own. He relaxed into the kiss instantly and smiled against Jooheon’s mouth.

“You don’t have to trick me into kissing you hyung,” Changkyun wrinkled his nose cutely when they pulled away. “You can just kiss me normal.”

“Well, I didn’t want to assume anything… consent is key, and if I kiss you without you wanting me to I could make you upset and I’d rather get hit by a bus than upset you.” Jooheon said, fidgeting with his hands.

“Thank you, for caring so much about me,” Changkyun shifted so he could rest his head against Jooheon’s shoulder. “But you don’t have to worry about that. I always want you to kiss me.” Jooheon could feel the heat of Changkyun’s blush through his shirt.

“Hey… Changkyun?” Jooheon sounded almost scared. “What- what are we?”

“What?” That was the last thing Changkyun expected his friend to say. He pulled away to look at Jooheon, who was pointedly looking at the ground.

“What are we? Are we just friends or- or are we something more?”

“Would you want to be something more?” Changkyun could feel his heart thrumming in his chest like a hummingbird trying to escape.

“I- yeah… I would. If you’re alright with it.”

“What about your career?” Changkyun felt something in him crack. Here he was, having his idol and best friend confess that he wanted to be more than friends, and realizing that it could never work out between them.

“Idols date all the time,” Jooheon said instantly, as if he had been preparing for these questions. “Besides, I… I don’t really care all that much right now. You make me… so happy, and I would give up anything to keep you in my life. I don’t care about the fame or the money. You’re all I care about.” He finally looked up and stared directly at Changkyun.

“Well?” Changkyun asked after a moment of silence. His voice cracked a little from the strain of holding back tears. Jooheon looked shocked.

“What?”

“Aren’t you going to ask me out?” Changkyun couldn’t help the slight smirk as he saw realization bloom across Jooheon’s handsome features.

“Shit! Yeah!” he scrambled to take Changkyun’s hands in his own. Changkyun could feel how clammy the rapper’s palms were and it just made him fall even harder. “Would you want to be my boyfriend? Like, go on dates for real and kiss and stuff?” Changkyun could hear how nervous Jooheon sounded - this was part of the speech the older boy obviously didn’t practice as much as the reasoning to why they could date in the first place.

“I was wondering when you were going to ask,” Changkyun leaned in and kissed Jooheon softly. “I’d love to be your boyfriend.”

“Yes!” Jooheon cheered, pulling his hands from Changkyun and spinning in a circle. Changkyun watched his friend - his boyfriend - dance and blush.

Suddenly, Jooheon stopped dancing and rushed back to the younger boy, slamming their mouths together.

He kissed Changkyun deeply, pulling his smaller body close to his own. He nipped carefully at the younger boy’s lower lip and preaned at the sensation of Changkyun gasping lightly into his mouth. His hands found their way to Changkyun’s hips and he pulled the boy even closer, so every inch of their bodies were flush together. Changkyun’s hands found their way around Jooheon’s neck and he couldn’t stop a quiet mewl from escaping.

His left hand slipped into Changkyun’s back pocket as his right inched up the younger boy’s shirt, Jooheon’s thumb rubbing circles on the skin over his hip bones. Changkyun’s mouth opened at the feeling and Jooheon took the chance to take control of the kiss entirely. He could feel Changkyun’s tongue on his own and a thrill went down his spine. Changkyun’s hips jerked forward and Jooheon couldn’t bite back the loud growl. Changkyun physically shivered at the feeling of Jooheon’s chest vibrating against his own.

“Ah, Jooheon-” Changkyun’s voice was raspy and Jooheon knew he was the reason the younger boy sounded so breathless.

“Changkyun,” Jooheon pulled away from their embrace, fighting a grin at the sound of the boy whining. “Thank you, for coming into my life and making everything seem worth it. I don’t know what I would do without you…”

“I should be the one saying that,” Changkyun laughed lightly, and Jooheon was distracted by how his lips looked redder than usual. “Before I met you… I wasn’t in a good place. If I’m being honest I’m still not completely better, but because of you I had the courage to try medication and therapy and… it’s working. I feel better. I feel happy - like, genuinely happy - for the first time in years, and it’s because of you.”

Jooheon could have sworn that in that moment, Changkyun’s eyes contained every star in the sky. He kissed his boyfriend again, gently this time - just the feeling of Changkyun’s lips barely touching his own had his heart fluttering like a bird.

“Let’s get food and we can plan the rest of the weekend.” Changkyun melted when Jooheon kissed the tip of his nose.

“Laying around, kissing, maybe more. Watching movies and eating ice cream in our boxers. Staying up till sunrise talking about our dreams and fears,”

Jooheon threaded his fingers through Changkyun’s. “There, I planned the whole weekend. Can I get back to kissing my beautiful boyfriend please?”

“Gladly.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So my first plan has gone out the window and I have a whole new plot that's going to take a few chapters! If you have any predictions about what's going to happen, comment and I'll vaguely respond to confuse us both! 
> 
> This chapter is a little shorter, but it's extra soft. I'm thinking the next chapter is going to expose a little more of what's going on with Gunhee. I don't want to go too far from Changkyun and Jooheon, but the whole #Gun plot is important to the main pairing.
> 
> Also, let me know how you feel about smut? I wouldn't do anything crazy graphic, but I do want to show a more intimate side of their relationship but I like to ask if anyone is overly worried about stuff like that. If I do add something, you'll see the tags change, so look for that if you're worried.


	9. Chapter 9

“Gunhee, this has to stop.” Hyunwoo said quietly, not wanting to draw attention to the two of them. Jooheon still wasn’t home from Changkyun’s, not that anyone was really worried. They didn’t expect their youngest to be home until the last minute.

“Look, I’m doing what I can.” Gunhee retorted, sounding tense.

Jooheon quickly unlocked the door, figuring everyone was going to be asleep. It was almost two in the morning and they had practice at seven, so hearing hushed voices made him pause. He instantly recognized Gunhee and Hyunwoo, and found himself listening in from pure curiosity.

“You don’t have the right to put Changkyun in this situation without-” Hyunwoo snapped, his temper rising. Jooheon heard his boyfriend’s name and inched closer. Why were they talking about Changkyun?

“I don’t have any other choice! They literally said I don’t have a say in this matter. It’s either go along with their… game, or be dropped from the company all together. I… I’ve worked too hard to lose everything… You have to understand that.”

“I do… I just don’t like how they’re using us like chess pieces. There has to be another way to gain publicity. Monsta X is already so popular… why do they need this too?” Hyunwoo sounded frustrated, something the maknae never really heard from his leader. He was normally so composed and calm, even in the most stressful situations.

“I felt awful tricking Changkyun and the others but he’s the best fit, and if he already knows the chorography and the lyrics, that’s even less of a chance they’ll refuse.”

“You’ve really thought this out, haven’t you?”

“I had to. This isn’t just my career on the line. This is yours too.”

“Hyungs?” Jooheon decided to make himself known. Gunhee and Hyunwoo both jumped and turned to their youngest with tired smiles.

“Welcome home Honey,” Hyunwoo said, moving so the boy could walk past him. “It’s late. You should be asleep already. We figured you’d stay with Changkyun and just go straight to the practice rooms.”

“Changkyun kicked me out,” Jooheon grinned at the memory. “He said practice was important and that I needed to be rested for it. He knew neither of us would sleep if I stayed over.”

“See, I called it,” Gunhee grinned, his eyes sparkling mischievously, none of the tension from before in his voice. “I knew they’d be going at it like rabbits. Hyungwon owes me twenty bucks.”

“We were not!” Jooheon huffed, his ears turning red. “We’ve been talking a lot. We would accidentally stay up till sunrise and then nap for a bit before doing stuff. We went to the movies and to the local petting zoo. It was… really nice.” Jooheon’s smile softened as his heart melted a little. Changkyun made him so happy.

“Ah, I was just teasing,” Gunhee ruffled his hair fondly. He was happy to see his friend so… happy. “You’re too good of a kid to deflower Changkyunnie so soon.”

“It’d be the other way around…” Jooheon grumbled, looking away. Gunhee stared at him with wide eyes.

“Wait-” When it finally clicked, Gunhee was reminded what a child Jooheon was. He had started training at such a young age, and unlike the other trainees, he devoted every spare moment to improving. He never had time to mess around.

“Changkyun was just as shocked too,” Jooheon smiled sheepishly. “I guess my bad boy image is that strong.”

“But he…?”

“Seungcheol - the one that came with him to practice that one time. They’ve been friends for a few years because they were neighbors when Changkyun was in middle school. He was in highschool, and was scared because he was just figuring out like the likes guys too, and asked Cheol to sleep with him because he knew he wouldn’t hurt him. It’s silly, but I’m glad Changkyun’s first was someone who cares about him.”

“You’re too much,” Gunhee shook his head. “It’s not silly. You love him, and knowing that such an important part of his life was with someone who he cared and trusted is a really comforting thing. I feel the same way about you and him, honestly.”

“Hyung…” Jooheon felt his eyes sting a little.

“Ya, no crying,” Gunhee saw his friend’s eyes turn glassy and wanted to stop it before it started. “Go to sleep. You’re probably exhausted.”

“Goodnight Gun hyung, Hyunwoo hyung.” Jooheon bowed his head a little as he ducked between them. Hyunwoo waited until he was out of sight before sighing again.

“He’s a good kid,” he said, frowning. “This is going to destroy him.”

“At least he’ll have Changkyun,” Gunhee fought back the stinging in his own throat. He refused to cry. “That’s all I could really hope for. He’s good for the kid.”

“I can’t remember the last time Honey was so carefree,” Hyunwoo added. “Changkyun really got to him.”

“Let’s hope everything works out,” Gunhee felt his stomach sink. “Otherwise, this might rip everything apart.”

* * *

  
“How’s everything going?” Seungcheol asked. It was their weekly ‘coffee after therapy’ date that he had established after the first meeting Changkyun had with the therapist the hospital assigned him. Since then, the younger boy looked forward to spending time with his hyung - it actually gave him a reason to get through the almost painful meetings every Thursday.

“Pretty good,” he took a sip of his coffee and ended up scalding his tongue. “The lady still has no clue what she’s doing, but I think the medication is starting to really kick in. It’s weird though… it’s like there’s- it’s like my emotions are a lake, and there’s a thick piece of glass over it. I can see them, and almost touch them, but I can’t quite get to them, if that makes any sense. I feel kinda numb?”

“I’ve read that it’s a somewhat common side effect,” Seungcheol said, pulling a part of the croissant off and feeding to to Changkyun, who leaned in and opened his mouth without hesitation. “As far as I’ve seen, it’s not dangerous, but if it’s bothering you we can ask about switching to another brand of medication.”

“I don’t think it’s that much of a problem,” Changkyun admitted after swallowing the bite. “If it gets any worse than maybe but right now it seems to be okay. It’s just a little irritating. My short term memory also seems messed up, but that’s not too bad either. Also irritating but not bothering me enough to change anything yet.”

“I’m glad you’re being open about this,” Seungcheol smiled at his friend. It was hard to believe the eight year old that moved in next to him grew into the person sitting across from him now. Even when Changkyun studied abroad, Seungcheol didn’t see as much as a difference as he had in the last month. Changkyun seemed to grow too fast for his liking. “I’m really proud of you.”

“Ah hyung…” Changkyun blushed and hid his face in his cup. Seungcheol smiled fondly at his friend.

“Mushiness aside, how’s Jooheon? You’ve been seeing him a lot recently. That must be nice.”

“It’s been amazing,” Instantly, Changkyun’s entire being seemed to light up. He sat up a little straighter and his eyes shone brighter. “They’ve been teaching me their choreography because Gunhee hyung hasn’t been feeling well and it helps them practice if I fill in. Jooheon spent the weekend and it was just… it was amazing. We spent the entire time just- just talking and getting to know eachother better. He finally asked me to be his boyfriend too.” He grinned and wiggled a little in his seat.

“Ah, Seungkwan isn’t going to be happy to hear that,” Seungcheol grinned at Changkyun’s confused face. “He was betting that you would have to make the first move and ask Jooheon out.”

“I’m glad to know he had so much faith in me,” Changkyun grinned back. “Everyone else must have known I’d be too scared to make the first move.”

“Actually, Mingyu, Jun and I are also out ten bucks.” He leaned back and stretched, his spine cracking against the chair.

“You bet on who would ask first?” Changkyun was shocked. Seungcheol was always the one to try and stop bets being made.

“I really thought you would get tired of waiting and ask him out,” Seungcheol shrugged. “Imagine my surprise when my little Changkyunnie come in here and tells me I lost the bet.”

“I’m not little anymore hyung.” Changkyun grumbled, wiping the coffee away from the edge of his mug with his thumb, trying not to sound like a pouting toddler and failing.

“I’d say,” Cheol chuckled and pushed the last of the croissant to the other boy. “You haven’t been little for a long time, but I still like to pretend you’re the same Changkyun that called me to come over when there was thunder because he was afraid.”

“Hyung… thanks. For everything,” Changkyun said quietly, his words almost lost in the bustle of the cafe. “You’ve done so much for me… I really can’t even begin to pay you back for everything I owe you.”

“If you tried to pay me back at all, I’d throw a fit,” Cheol reached out and took his hand. “Changkyun, you’re so important to me. You’re such an amazing person and honestly it’s been an honor to watch you grow up. It’s an honor that you trust me so much, and I would do anything for you. Don’t you ever forget that, okay?”

“I love you hyung.” Changkyun sniffled, a lone tear running down his cheek. He quickly patted it away, not wanting to be seen crying in public.

“Don’t let Jooheon hear you say that,” he said jokingly, earning a chuckle from the younger boy. “I love you too Changkyunnie. I always will.”

They finished their coffee in a comfortable silence, occasionally making comments about this or that until their cups were empty.

“I have to get to work,” Cheol said almost apologetically. “Do you want me to drive you home?”

“Ah, sorry for keeping you so late,” Changkyun had no idea so much time had passed. He already felt a little bad for taking up so much of the older boy’s time. “It’s alright. The walk isn’t too bad. I might take a cab to see Jooheon later.”

“If you’re sure,” Cheol stood and smoothed down Changkyun’s hair. “Text me when you’re home okay? Otherwise I’ll assume you’ve been stolen by a gang and married off to a some drug lord.”

“If that does happen, I’ll make sure to buy everyone something nice with my new husband’s drug money.”

“See you later Kyunnie,” Seungcheol pulled him into a tight hug. “Take care of yourself.”

“Of course, even though you’ll probably crash my apartment before the end of the weekend.” Changkyun laughed as Cheol placed a kiss on his forehead.

“Bye!” he called as he rounded the corner to the parking lot. Changkyun waved as he drove away before turning back to his phone.

“Wanna come over for dinner?” Jooheon had already texted him. Changkyun smiled at his phone.

“Want me to bring anything?” He asked, not wanting to show up without a gift.

“Just your cute face.” he added a winky face and Changkyun felt his ears redden. He didn’t want to get used to Jooheon flirting with him.

“I’ll bring some soju.” he sent back.

“Let me check the schedules for tomorrow,” Jooheon sent first before quickly sending a follow up message. “Looks like we’re free until three tomorrow, so let’s get drunk!”

Changkyun laughed at his boyfriend - he still got butterflies anytime he referred to him as his boyfriend - and sent back a thumbs up before heading to the closest convenience store. He bought eight bottles, figuring one per person would be enough to have a good time without anyone blacking out.

He hailed a taxi and gave the driver the address to the dorms.The drive over was fairly easy - getting into the dorms was another story. There was a mob outside, mainly consisting of screaming girls with a few fanboys thrown in. They were holding the usual signs, crying over their favorites, but one stuck out to him.

“Don’t leave Gunhee Oppa!” One fan screamed and Changkyun was confused. Why would they think Gunhee was leaving?

He managed to work his way to the front door, where the security guard recognized him and let him though. There were cries of anger from the mob, but he ignored them. He made his way up to the dorm, the bottles clinking in the bag as it swung against his leg. He knocked on the door and waited patiently for someone to let him in.

“Changkyun! Did you have any problems getting into the building?” Minhyuk opened the door, ushering the boy inside.

“No, the security guard recognized me. What’s with the mob out front? I’ve never seen that many fans outside the dorms before.” He placed the bag down on the counter next to the several bags of takeout.

“Apparently someone in the company leaked a private conversation between Gunhee and someone on the phone. It was immediately taken down but some fans managed to see it before they could erase it. He won’t tell us what it was about… we’re all kind of freaking out.” His words dipped to a whisper at the end, his nerves starting to show.

“Whatever it is, it’ll be okay hyung.” Changkyun pulled his friend into a hug and Minhyuk was more than willing to hug the boy back, wrapping his arms around Changkyun’s middle and resting his cheek on the younger’s head.

“What would we do without you?” Minhyuk asked, his breath tickling Changkyun’s hair.

“You’d have to baby Jooheon more.” he joked, causing the older boy to crack a smile. Minhyuk pulled away and grinned at him.

“He’s so ungrateful,” He play pouted. “We try to baby him and he just shoves us away. You, on the other hand, let us smother you and we love you even more cuz of it.” He rubbed his nose against Changkyun’s, causing the younger boy to blush and smile softly. He was loved by his friends - Seungcheol and Soonyoung particularly happy to be touchy with him - but it was somehow different. There was something more intimate and warm about skinship with Minhyuk and the other hyungs. It made him feel included and safe.

“Hey Changkyun, you okay?” Jooheon came over and Minhyuk instantly stepped away. The younger rapper came over and gave Changkyun a sweet hello kiss and took his boyfriend’s hands.Minhyuk grinned at the sight of such a soft gesture.

“Yeah, therapy went well and Seungcheol hyung wouldn’t let me pay again this week. Minhyuk told me about the leak. Is Gunhee hyung alright?”

“I don’t really know… he and Hyunwoo hyung locked themselves in our room and have been talking to someone for the last two hours…” Jooheon looked worried. Changkyun leaned in and kissed the space between Jooheon’s eyebrows, trying to get his boyfriend to relax. He did, his furrowed eyebrows smoothing out as he looked at Changkyun with sparkling eyes. He held Changkyun’s hand a little tighter.

“It’ll be okay hyung,” Changkyun said softly, instantly feeling better now that he was with Jooheon. The anxiety in his chest immediately calmed just being in the other boy’s presence. “Whatever happened will blow over and everything will go back to normal.”

“I love you.” Jooheon rested his forehead on Changkyun’s, smiling softly at the younger boy.

“Love you too hyung.” he felt his heart shake with how much feeling there was in his chest.

Before they could get any softer, the bedroom door opened. Hyunwoo and Gunhee came out, both sporting red rimmmed eyes and deep frowns. Hyunwoo angrily threw his phone onto the couch, not caring that it bounced off the cushions and fell onto the ground. Gunhee silently went to the kitchen and saw the bag of soju Changkyun brought. He took one and cracked it open, draining almost half the bottle in three painful looking gulps. He coughed as he brought the bottle away from his mouth and slammed it on the counter. Tears started running down his face and everyone jumped at the sight.

“Hyung are you alright?” Jooheon rushed over.

“Are you okay?” Changkyun asked, trying to take the soju from the older rapper.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” he growled, pulling the bottle away from Changkyun. “This.. shit. Shit….”

“We should eat first… We can explain after.” Hyunwoo said. His voice shaking. He was trying to keep his composure, but it was clear he was struggling.  
Kihyun silently dished up the food. Changkyun wanted to try and lighten the mood a little, but it didn’t seem like the right time to try and spark a conversation. No one scolded Gunhee from drinking more than eating, even though it was clear no one was happy that he had finished two bottles on his own.

The rest stood untouched on the counter.

“Alright, what’s going on.” Kihyun said the last plate was cleared. Everyone crowded into the living room, Changkyun comfortably seated in Jooheon’s lap.Gunhee was leaning against Hoseok, his face flushed and eyes glassy. Hyunwoo handed the rapper a glass of water and sighed heavily.

“It’s a long story,” he said hesitantly. “This whole thing started with someone finding out Gunhee had been in love with someone during No. Mercy. They threatened that if he wasn’t removed from the band, he would be exposed. He said he honestly didn’t care, but management said it could cause an issue for the rest of us if it got out. They offered him a choice. Either drop out of the band and become a solo artist under Starship or be dropped from the label all together.”

“What? They can’t do that!” Jooheon was shaking. Changkyun held his boyfriend’s hand to offer support.

“I’m sorry Changkyun,” Gunhee said, his words slurring. “I dragged you into this shit… I was just so scared for everyone…”

“What do you mean hyung?” Changkyun tried to hide the tremor in his voice. He didn’t know what Gunhee was talking about, and the older boy was starting to frighten him. He had never seen the rapper so serious - he looked scared.

“I thought… maybe if there’s already someone who knows all my lines and chore-choreography, maybe they would replace me with you… but we- we just talked to the CEO and he said there’s no guarantee they’ll even replace me…”

“They’re considering keeping us as a six member group,” Hyunwoo continued. “We tried to fight for Changkyun to be added, but they were so against it…”

“So wait, what’s going to happen to the band?” Changkyun felt sick.

“We don’t know,” Hyunwoo clenched his fists until his knuckles were white. “But that’s not even the worst part…”

“How is that not the worst part?” Hyungwon gave a humorless bark of laughter, covering his face with his hands.

“The manager said… Changkyun isn’t allowed around anymore,” Hyunwoo choked on his own words. Changkyun’s blood ran cold. “He said Changkyun was too distracting, and that he was detrimental to our career… he doesn’t know he’s over right now, but he’s making sure everyone knows not to let him through anymore…they’re considering taking out a restraining order to make sure we can focus.”

“No…” Jooheon held Changkyun tightly, his whole body trembling. Changkyun could feel tears soaking into his shirt. He realized his own cheeks were also wet.

“We tried to fight it but they threatened to cancel our contracts-”

“I understand hyung,” Changkyun was numb. “I understand… your career is more important. I would have been upset if you chose me over the band.” he let out a laugh and stood, brushing off Jooheon’s arms.

“Changkyun please-” Jooheon was sobbing. Minhyuk hid his face in Kihyun’s chest.

“I should go,” He whispered. Why did it feel like someone was controlling him? “I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I got in the way of your dreams. Thank you for everything hyungs... I love you Jooheon. I’m sorry I caused so many problems.”

Changkyun walked from the room and didn’t stop walking. He ignored the shouts following after him, ignored the crowd outside the building, ignored his phone that wouldn’t stop buzzing.

He didn’t stop walking until his knees gave out. He had no idea where he was, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He sat on the sidewalk, silent tears streaming down his face. He stared at a crack in the concrete, watching an ant carry a leaf towards a small anthill in the crack.

Someone yelled something, but it all sounded like static to Changkyun. Hands were on him, but he could barely feel it. Someone hugged him, but it was like he was outside his own body. He could tell he was being hugged but it was as if it was someone else’s body and he was just watching. A familiar smell brought him back somewhat.

“Hyung…” he whispered and Seungcheol held him closer.

“Oh god Changkyun.” Seungcheol was shaking. The feeling of the older boy shake caused the dams to break. He sobbed into Seungcheol’s shoulder until he couldn’t breathe. Seungcheol tried to get him to calm down, but he was too far gone.

Changkyun’s vision started going black around the edges and his breathing picked up even more.

Jooheon was gone.

Everything was gone.

Jooheon.

He could never see Jooheon again.

Changkyun wished he had never met Jooheon. He wished he had succeeded when he slit his wrists the last time.

Changkyun passed out, wishing he was dead. Wishing he had killed himself before any of this happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back with more pain and suffering!? Spoiler, it's me. 
> 
> Now we know what's going on with Gunhee, but who was he in love with? Who threatened them? How is Changkyun going to handle being away from Jooheon? Send me your thoughts because I honestly am still trying to piece together this trainwreck of a plot.


	10. Chapter 10

Seungcheol was frantic. He never got a text from Changkyun, and normally that wasn’t a big deal. People forgot to text sometimes, and that was fine, but something was wrong. Something was really, really wrong.

He went to Changkyun’s apartment and used his spare key to let himself in. The apartment was exactly the same as it was when he picked the boy up that morning for his appointment. Not a single pillow was out of place, and the whole place had that smell that told him the door hadn’t been opened.

He rushed to the Starship dorms, heart beating painfully. There was a large mob out front, despite the late hour. There were police there, trying to get the group to disperse but they were relentless. Seungcheol used his height advantage to push to the front where he managed to wave down a security guard.

“Did Im Changkyun come here?” He asked, out of breath. The guard looked almost uncomfortable.

“Sir, I apologize but I wasn’t aware that Changkyun wasn’t allowed to see Jooheon and the others anymore when I let him in. He left about ten minutes ago… He won’t be getting past me anymore though.”

“What?” Seungcheol’s world came to a stop.

“Aren’t you with the agency? I was told that there was going to be a restraining order filed against Changkyun to keep him away so the members of Monsta X could focus on their work. I let him through before I knew. Don’t tell upper management, okay? I wouldn’t have let him through if I knew and I can’t lose this job.”

“Changkyun-” Seungcheol spun around and ran from the mob, not caring that he knocked a person or two over. He got in his car and sped down the road, not sure where to even start looking for his friend.

Memories of that night came back strong. The smell of Changkyun’s blood. Seeing him - pale and lifeless - on the stretcher as they loaded him into the ambulance. Watching him be taken away and not being allowed to go with him. They didn’t let anyone in to see him for almost a day and a half, and in that time Seungcheol thought he was going to break into the damn hospital just to make sure he was alive.

He kept going straight. The road wasn’t overly familiar but he had been there a few times when his friends wanted something from the small food cart on the corner. He was about to turn around when he saw a figure slumped on the pavement. He slammed on the breaks when he recognized the oversized sweater, almost causing the person behind him to crash. He pulled over and threw on his hazards before running over.

“Changkyun?” he called, noticing how the boy seemed completely unresponsive. It was Changkyun, and he looked like the world had been shattered right in front of his eyes. If what the guard said was right, the world really had been stolen from him. “Changkyun please, it’s hyung.”

He wrapped his arms around Changkyun, the boy not even seeming to notice he was there. He held Changkyun tighter and after a moment the younger boy broke, sobbing hysterically into Seungcheol’s shoulder. Seungcheol held onto his friend as tight as he could, afraid that the boy was going to disappear right in front of his eyes.

Seungcheol ignored the people giving them odd looks and focused on holding Changkyun together. The boy was trying to say something, but his words were mangled through his sobs. The one thing Seungcheol managed to understand made his blood run cold.

“I wish I had died...” Changkyun choked out, the rest of his words becoming indistinguishable from his sobs..

“Oh god…” Seungcheol felt lost. He lifted Changkyun into his arms and carried him to the running car. He carefully strapped him into the passenger seat and realized that the boy had passed out - from hyperventilating or from the shock, he wasn’t sure.

 _“Everyone get to my apartment now. It’s an emergency.”_ He texted the group chat and floored it, needing to get back as soon as possible.

He had no idea what they were going to do, but one thing he knew for certain was they weren’t going to let Changkyun out of their sight.

* * *

 

“Jooheon, this is plain childish now,” Their manager slammed his fist against the door. “Come out right now or-.”

“Or what? You’ll fire me?” he yelled back. He locked himself in his studio - the one place he knew he was safe. It had been two days since Changkyun walked out and he hadn’t come out once. He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since then, and could barely sleep. He knew he was running dangerously low, but he was frantic.

He had been writing songs nonstop. Every time he thought maybe he was drained, he was hit with more inspiration. He hadn’t even listened back on the tracks when he finished them. The second he added the last note, he saved it onto a flashdrive and went onto the next.

“Honey please come out,” Hyunwoo begged, knocking on the door again. There had been one member or another outside the door almost every moment. “Just drink something? You’re going to pass out…”

“Go away hyung.” His throat was scratchy. His head was pounding and he thought he was going to die.

“Please.” the older boy begged, desperate for the younger boy to just open the damn door. Jooheon slammed the laptop closed and pushed away from the desk, unplugging the flashdrive and throwing the door open. Hyunwoo fell forward, barely catching himself before he hit the ground.

“Here.” Jooheon tossed him the flashdrive.

“What is this?”

“My resignation,” Jooheon said gruffly as he walked past his leader. “It’s been nice working with you hyung.”

“Wait what?” Hyunwoo sprinted after Jooheon, who was making a beeline for the elevator. “You can’t just quit.”

“Watch me.” Jooheon said, his voice sharp. The doors of the elevator closed, but Hyunwoo was too shocked to stop it. He got out his phone and frantically called Kihyun.

“What’s wrong?” Kihyun instantly knew something was up.

“Jooheon said he’s resigning,” he shook his head. “He handed me a flashdrive and said it was his resignation.”

“He can’t just quit!” Kihyun yelled, sounding frantic.

“He might be heading back to the dorms,” Hyunwoo started down the stairs, taking them two and a time. Jooheon was already gone. The older boy ran into their manager as he sprinting towards the door. “I’ll call you back.” he hung up quickly.

“Hey Hyunwoo, did you managed to get Jooheon out?” Their manager didn’t sound too worried.

“This is all your fault.” Hyunwoo snapped, feeling his anger finally boil over.

“Whoa there champ, watch your tone.”

“Jooheon…” He could barely contain the raw rage in his voice. His hands were shaking and all he wanted to do was break their manager’s nose for hurting their youngest like this. “Jooheon finally had someone good in his life. He was finally HAPPY.”

“I don’t see how that has anything to do with me.” The man crossed his arms, unimpressed. For a man half Hyunwoo’s size, he was being pretty brave.

“He’s quitting,” Hyunwoo’s voice dropped to a whisper. Finally the manager looked concerned. “And it’s all your fault.”

“What do you mean he’s quitting?” He yelled, his voice echoing in the lobby of the building. The desk worked glanced at them from the corner of her eye, wondering if she can call security on other employees.

“Here, he said this was his resignation,” Hyunwoo threw the flashdrive at the man, who barely caught it. “Honestly, maybe Jooheon had the right idea.”

He pushed pash his manager, who tried to call after him but he didn’t care. He was too focused on finding Jooheon before the younger boy did something dangerous.

* * *

  
“It’s been almost five hours,” Minhyuk was crying on the couch. “Where could he have gone?”

“I asked the security in the dorm lobby and he said he hasn’t seen Jooheon since he left two days ago.” Kihyun sounded small.

“So he hasn’t been at the company building, and he hasn’t been back home,” Hyungwon tugged at his hair gently, as if the faint pain could help him focus.

“Where else would he go?”

“Changkyun’s,” Gunhee said, as it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Where else in the whole world would he go?”

“But we don’t know where Changkyun lives,” Hoseok pointed out. He was nursing bruised knuckles, courtesy of him taking his anger out on their wall. He somehow sounded even smaller than Kihyun. “Only Jooheon knew.”

“We’re going to lose both our rappers… we can’t keep going if they both leave us,” Minhyuk hiccuped. “We almost disbanded before we even debuted because of Yoonho and the others… We’re a family. We can’t- we can’t lose our family.”

“We’re not going to lose anyone,” Hyunwoo spoke for the first time since returning to the dorms empty handed. “We’re going to find Jooheon, and we’re going to fix everything.”

Silence fell, the kind of painful silence that seemed to fill the throat of whoever dared break it with glass. Gunhe fidgeted with his hands, opening and closing his mouth a few times. He scrunched his face in frustration before blurting out what had been on his mind since the day before.

“They’ve rescinded my contract.” Gunhee said suddenly.

“They… they can’t do that.” Minhyuk whispered in horror, feeling as though his whole world was crumbling right in front of him.

“Apparently I’m too much trouble to keep,” Gunhee smiled sadly. “They even dropped the offer to make me a solo artist. They wanted me out by the end of the week, but I think the whole Jooheon thing caught their attention.”

“They can’t kick you out.” Kihyun said firmly, fighting back tears.

“We can’t fight them,” Gunhee inhaled deeply before releasing it slowly. “I already signed the cancelation papers. I- you guys are the most important people in my life. I could never- I would never be able to live with myself for standing in your way. If it’s a matter of me or you, I’ll pick you every time.”

“You…” Minhyuk sprung to his feet, fire burning in his eyes. He lunged forward and Gunhee suddenly felt a throbbing pain in his cheek. He stared at the vocalist, who was being physically restrained by their leader. “YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK US, FUCKER!” He screamed, tears racing down his face.

“I did what was best for you!” Gunhee felt his voice rising.

“You did what was best for yourself Gunhee!” Minhyuk ripped himself from Hyunwoo’s hold but didn’t make any attempt to attack the rapper again. “You didn’t even ask us… we could have helped you. We could have fought the company together… if you want to leave that badly, GET THE FUCK OUT!”

“Fine!” Gunhee’s vision was going red. How dare Minhyuk yell at him? He did everything for them, and this was how they treated him?

Gunhee spun around and stormed from the dorm, slamming the door shut behind him hard enough to knock the framed picture of the seven of them, right after their debut stage finished, onto the ground. The glass in the frame shattered, leaving sharp edges all over the carpet.

* * *

  
They had all received Seungcheol’s text and dropped what they were doing to rush to his thankfully spacious apartment. The twelve friends were there before the homeowner himself, all wondering what the emergency could be. When Cheol stumbled through the door with a listless Changkyun, everyone understood.

It had been two days since then, and Changkyun had yet to say a single word.

Hell, Changkyun didn’t even acknowledge that they were there. He just… sat in the chair and stared at whatever was directly in front of him. He never spoke, and the only movement from him was slow breathing and even slower blinks. Without those, he looked more like a doll than a human being.

He would eat if food was placed in front of him, his hands mechanically bringing the bites to his mouth, chewing, swallowing and repeating. He never seemed to notice the temperature, or if the noodles were too salty. They even fed him black licorice - something the boy refused to even look at - but he just ate that too without reaction.

They were taking turns watching him while others went to class and work. They made sure there was always at least one person there in case the boy snapped out of whatever trance he was in, but it was almost day three and there was no change. No one had any idea what was going on, until Chan said something so profound everyone was speechless.

“His spirit was broken,” He had said, looking at his hyung sadly. “Whatever happened, it shattered his spirit.”

“We just have to help him heal it then.” Seungcheol had said firmly, refusing to give up on his friend.

It was Soonyoung’s turn to watch Changkyun. Jihoon and Hansol were supposed to be with him, but they had gone to the store to get some snacks. Soonyoung was scrolling through his feed, reading some of the posts out loud in the hopes that maybe one would catch Changkyun’s attention, but so far nothing.

“There’s another fake article going around about Hyuna noona,” He said, not expecting anything. He scrolled a little further before something caught his eye. “What? ‘Monsta X to disband?’ No...” Soonyoung read the headline with a sinking stomach.

He heard rustling but didn’t connect the sound with a cause until the phone was ripped from his hand. He stared up at Changkyun, who was reading the headline with a blank expression. His eyes quickly scanned the article, the browns of the boy’s eyes moving so fast Soonyoung was getting a little dizzy watching him.

“Changkyun,” he finally caught his bearing and sprung to his feet. “Oh my god you’re back!”

“What happened?” He asked, sounding almost scared.

“We… don’t really know. Cheol hyung called an emergency meeting and brought you in… you’ve been like a doll since then. This is the first time you’ve really acted… alive.”

“... ‘reports say that rapper Sharp Gun will be removed from the company due to a scandal issue, while rapper and maknae Lee Jooheon will reportedly be leaving the band of his own volition. No one has been able to confirm these rumors, nor has anyone seen any of the members of Monsta X in public since the information was leaked…’” Changkyun read the final line of the article and let the phone fall from his hand. It bounced on the couch, landing screen up.

“What’s going on Changkyun?” Soonyoung was almost afraid to ask.

“I have to find Jooheon-” Changkyun started to say before he collapsed heavily on the couch as well. “I… I can’t. I can’t see him anymore…”

“What do you mean?” Soonyoung sat carefully next to the boy, almost afraid of startling him back into his doll-like trance.  
“They… their manager said I was a distraction. They were going to file for a restraining order against me if I didn’t act as though I had never met them before…” He felt strangely… calm as he remembered what had happened.

“Oh my god… that’s- that’s fucked up.” Soonyoung normally wasn’t one to curse, but no other word seemed to describe the situation properly.

“I guess it really was too good to last.” Changkyun smirked ruefully at his hands, shaking his head a little. Soonyoung quietly sent a text to the group chat, telling everyone that Changkyun was back.

“We’ll figure a way to fix everything.” Soonyoung promised, but it was waved off.

“I’m fine now hyung,” He said, almost too lightly. “It’s for the best. Jooheon hyung will talk to his managers and they’ll let Gunhee hyung stay and everything will be okay again. Like they never even met me.”

“Changkyun, that’s not okay-”

“Is there any food here?” Changkyun interrupted him as if he never spoke in the first place. “My mouth tastes like licorice and you know how much I hate licorice.”

* * *

  
“Hello?” Seungcheol didn’t normally answer unknown numbers, but something told him this wasn’t a call he could miss.

“Is this Choi Seungcheol?” A somewhat familiar voice said hesitantly.

“Who is this?”

“Yoo Kihyun, from Monsta X. Look, I’m sorry for calling like this but it’s really important.”

“Is this about Jooheon?” Cheol didn’t know how to feel. On one hand, he wanted to hurt someone for hurting his Changkyunnie, but on the other hand he knew how happy Jooheon was when he was with the younger boy. Jooheon wouldn’t hurt Changkyun.

“Wait, do you know where he is? Have you seen Honey?” Kihyun asked quickly, almost yelling into the receiver.

“I haven’t seen him,” Seungcheol hesitated. Was the other boy missing? “I’ve been with Changkyun the past few days. He’s… unresponsive to say the least. Nothing we do gets any reaction. He just stares blankly.”

“Shit…” Kihyun sounded close to tears. “Jooheon ran out of the studio earlier and no one’s seen him since. We thought maybe he went to Changkyun’s apartment, but none of us know where that is… Oh god, we’re so worried about him… he’s our Honey and no one knows where he is or… or what he’s going to do…” Kihyun sobbed and Seungcheol realized they were in the same situation.

The just wanted to save the people they loved.

“I’ll go check Kyunnie’s apartment. If he’s there I’ll call you. I can even ask security if they’ve seen anyone matching his description.”

“Thank you,” Kihyun cried into the phone. “Thank you so much. Please, if you see him please take care of him. He locked himself in the studio… he hasn’t had anything to eat or drink in almost two days.”

“I’ll make sure he’s alright,” Seungcheol promised as a text made his phone buzz. He checked really quick and felt his heart stop. It was from Soonyoung. “Changkyun is awake…” he muttered out loud.

“Please…” He heard Kihyun whimper one last time.

“I’ll call you with any updates,” He said faintly. He could feel the blood pounding in his ears. “Don’t give up hope, okay?”

“Please call soon.” Kihyun whispered before hanging up.

Seungcheol made a split decision and threw his car into reverse and sped away, towards what he hoped would be the start of a solution.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone is interested, I'm making a twitter AU that's basically a cluster fuck of idols bitching at each other on social media. It's a bit of a crack thing, but with a little but of a serious undercurrent. It's my pinned post on @ 25boyfriends if you want to check it out!


	11. Chapter 11

Seungcheol walked quickly up the familiar path to Changkyun’s apartment. He felt the building anxiety start to cloud his mind but he pushed forward anyway.

Each step seemed harder and harder to take, as if he was walking towards execution.

If Jooheon was indeed there, he might be able to fix things. If he wasn’t… Seungcheol didn’t know what he would do. In all of his twenty three years, Seungcheol never felt more helpless.

He hesitated in front of Changkyun’s door. If he didn’t open it, he couldn’t be proven right or wrong about Jooheon being there, but he knew he had to. He tested the knob and found it was unlocked. With a spike of guilt, he realized he didn’t lock it after he ran out two days prior. He opened the door, not sure what to expect.

Kihyun was right. Seungcheol stared at the figure sitting on the couch in shock for a moment, almost as if he hadn’t actually expected to see the other boy there. Jooheon didn’t look up at the sound of someone entering the apartment.

“He hasn’t been here.” Jooheon said suddenly, breaking the heavy silence.

“He’s been with me.” Seungcheol answered softly.

“The dishes in the sink are already starting to grow mold.”

“Changkyun’s never been the best with cleaning up after himself.” Seungcheol couldn’t help but chuckle a little.

“I hope he doesn’t mind that I ate some of his food… I was starving.”

“Jooheon, everyone’s worried about you.”

“They shouldn’t,” he still didn’t look at the other boy. “I quit. I’m not part of the band anymore. I’m not their problem anymore.”

“They obviously didn’t get that memo, Seungcheol said almost angrily. “Kihyun called me crying, Jooheon. He was so scared that he begged me to find you.”

“Hyung begged?” Jooheon’s voice was faint.

“He was sobbing Jooheon. He was so scared that something had happened to you. You might think you aren’t a part of them anymore, but they’ll always love you.”

“Did I do the right thing?” he asked, sounding small. “I… thought if I wrote songs before leaving, they wouldn't miss me. It’s not hard to find replacement rappers. Every other trainee is a rapper. The only special thing about me is my songwriting, and I gave them enough to last for at least three comebacks.”

“Don’t think so little of yourself Jooheon,” Seungcheol sat down on the couch, instantly laying back and looking at the ceiling. “Even if I didn’t listen to Changkyun gush about you for almost three years, I would have been able to spot your talent a mile away. The way you rap… it’s unique. I’ve never heard anyone like you. Sure, they might be able to find another rapper, but they’ll never be you - the band will never sound the same.”

“You really think that?” Jooheon sniffed, and Seungcheol realised he was crying. He sat up and pulled the other boy into a hug.

“I really do. Ironic, but I was the one to get Kyunnie into MX in the first place. The second I saw your debut teasers, I knew he would like you,” Cheol smiled slyly. “You’re exactly his type. If I had known you’d meet one day… maybe I would have taught him how to date properly.”

“He told me that you… were his first,” Jooheon sounded almost embarrassed. “I just, I know it’s weird, but I wanted to thank you for taking care of him. The thought that he could have been taken advantage of scares me so much.”

“I’d never let something bad happen to him,” Seungcheol responded instantly, but felt his stomach sink. “Though I might have let him get hurt this time.”

“This isn’t your fault,” Jooheon still sounded like he was crying. “This is all my fault. Or the company, if you really want to blame someone.”

“I guess… I just can’t help but blame myself when something goes wrong. He’s only a year younger, but sometimes I still see him the way he was when he first moved in next to me. All bright eyes and bouncing hair and wide grins. The first time I saw him cry, it was when his dad missed his birthday. I don’t know how much he told you, but his dad is a scientist - real smart guy. He works really, really hard and sometimes forgets smaller things. Changkyun came over to my house, sobbing and carrying the cake he made himself. He had to make himself his own birthday cake that his dad didn’t even remember to come home and eat. That was the moment I promised to protect him.” Seungcheol felt nostalgic, thinking back on how he and Changkyun became so close.

“I never want him to feel alone again.” Jooheon whispered, resting his head on Cheol’s shoulder.

“He needs you Jooheon. I… As hard as I tried, I was never able to make him as happy as you do.” It hurt Cheol to admit it, but it was true.

“I need him too.” Jooheon breathed, sounding scared.

“Come on.” Seungcheol stood abruptly, knocking Jooheon off his shoulder.

“What?”

“Let’s go to Changkyun.” Seungcheol grinned at how wide Jooheon’s eyes got. The rapper nodded quickly and scrambled to his feet.

“Let’s go to Changkyun.” He said, full of fire once again.

* * *

  
For Jooheon to say he was nervous would be an understatement. Though it had only been two days since he saw the younger boy, he didn’t know what was going to happen. On the way to Seungcheol’s apartment, the boy in question explained how he found Changkyun unresponsive in the shadier part of the city and how the boy hadn’t spoken even once since then - until he got the text from Soonyoung.

They could hear the voices as they stepped off the elevator. Seungcheol felt the corner of his mouth turn up. His friends were a real handful, but it’s not like they were going to disturb the neighbors - everyone on the floor was shoved into his apartment. Sometimes having your whole friend group consist of your floormates had it’s advantages.

He saw Jooheon hesitate outside his door, the rapper looking scared. He could hear yelling and laughing coming from inside, and he could see why Jooheon seemed so hesitant. He would be hesitant in that situation too. He nudged the boy, and he offered Cheol a small smile.

Seungcheol opened the door and was greeted with a cacophony of voices.

“Hyung! You’re back!”

“Changkyun was asking about you!”

“Did you bring back snacks?”

“You’re out of milk by the way. Wasn’t me though.”

“Wait…” Changkyun’s voice rose above the others. “Hyung?”

“Changkyun…” Jooheon locked eyes with him and felt a tear slip down his cheek. It had only been two days, but it felt like years since he saw his Changkyun.

“You can’t be here.” Changkyun said, shocking everyone in the room. The boy hid behind a tall, handsome man who was looking between Changkyun and Jooheon like a lost puppy.

“Changkyun please-”

“Make him leave.” Changkyun’s voice was faint.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Jooheon was getting mad.

“You can’t be here. I can’t- can’t be around you anymore.” Even though Jooheon couldn’t see him, he could clearly hear Changkyun start to cry.

“It doesn’t matter. I quit. They can’t do anything to us anymore.” Jooheon said with more confidence than he actually had. Changkyun’s head whipped out from around the man’s back, tears streaming down his face.

“So it’s true,” He stared at Jooheon as if he had never seen the rapper before. “You really did quit.. Why? Why would you… throw away everything you worked for?”

“Because I found something more important.”

“What-?”

‘“You, you idiot!” a short, cat like man snapped, causing Changkyun to blush bright red.

“I’m sorry I made you cry again,” Jooheon said softly, feeling his own eyes prickle. “All I ever wanted to do was make you happy.”

“Idiot.” Changkyun muttered as he threw himself at Jooheon. The rapper caught his easily and help him close, as if he was going to disappear the second he let him go.

Changkyun thought he was dreaming. Jooheon’s arms felt exactly the same, but somehow different at the same time. Resting his face in the crook of Jooheon’s neck, Changkyun felt as though he could actually breathe again. Jooheon held him tighter, his fingers digging into Changkyun’s arms but the younger boy didn’t care. He held into Jooheon just as tightly. He felt a sob shake his body, but he wasn’t sure if it was his or Jooheon’s.

“Sharp Gun has gone live?” Soonyoung’s voice broke their moment, dousing them both in icy water.

“What?” Jooheon pulled away but leaving his arms loosely wrapped around Changkyun’s waist. Soonyoung turned his phone to face them and sure enough, a familiar face was looking back at them.

Gunhee’s eyes were red and swollen, and they could tell from the flush of his cheeks that he was drunk. He stared at the camera for a moment as if he forgot what he was doing before smiling softly.

“So… I’m sure there’s a lot of questions everyone has for me,” he said, slurring slightly. Changkyun noticed that comments were turned off. “First of all, I’m just gonna say this outright. Fuck Starship. I’m gonna say everything I need to right now so pay attention,” He looked over the camera for a moment, his eyes turning even glassier before he blinked and started talking again. “So, everything started when I started being blackmailed… I still don’t know which one of you fuckers did it, but whoever it is I hope you rot in hell…. Anyway, they found out that I was in love with- with one of the contestants during No. Mercy and threatened to expose me if I didn’t leave the band. Well, jokes on you asshole. I’m gonna expose myself!” He sat up and took a shot of what they could only assume was soju. “From day one, I was head over heels in love with Shin Hoseok. He’s probably back at the dorm, just as shocked as the rest of you… yeah, I loved him - still do if I’m being honest. He was so caring and sweet during the show, even though he was intimidating looking. He always looked out for the others off camera and was such a softie that I just... I just fell for him… I would do anything to see that dumb smile of his… I didn’t care if my career got fucked. I had fun being a rapper and performing, but I could go back to school no problem… Hoseok on the other hand. I didn’t want to sacrifice everything he’s worked for just because I’m a selfish asshole. I broke my contract, signed the eight tons of fucking paperwork and everything… just for them to turn around and hurt Honey. Starship, if-if you’re watching this, fuck you. You ruined the only thing that made my Honey Bee happy. His name is Ch-changkyun and he’s the sweetest, cutest, nicest boy I’ve ever met. He’s so talented and smart and hard working,” Gunhee was starting to slur even more. “I was hoping, maybe once I was gone, Changkyun could take my place. I know you guys would have loved him. He’s even better at rapping than I am. He would have loved you guys… Honey loves him, and you guys would have too… but man-managment fucking ruined everything. Like they always do.” he trailed off for a moment before looking at the camera with more focus than he had during his entire speech.

“This is Sharp Gun, doing one final vlive as rapper of Monsta X,” He said, not sounding drunk anymore. “Honey, if you’re watching this, I’m so fucking sorry. I just wanted you to be happy, but I made everything worse… please don’t leave the others. They need you… way more than they ever needed me. Find Changkyun, and show Starship what’s good. Show them that they’re nothing without THE Lee Jooheon,” he grinned, a new fire behind his eyes. “I’ll be rooting for you little brother, every step of the way. This is Sharp Gun, signing off one last time. Monbebe, being yours was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Take this as my last gift to you: If you find someone, or something, that makes you happy, hold onto with your life. Don’t let anyone take away your happiness. Be selfish and take care of what you love. I… I’ll miss you all. Don’t forget about me, okay?” Gunhee started crying, but quickly ended the video before he started sobbing, which Jooheon knew was up next. He had seen Gunhee cry countless times, and knew when he started hiccuping that sobs were close behind.

“Oh my god….” The silence in the room was suffocating.

“Hyung…” Jooheon stared at the small screen with tears running down his face. He had no idea Gunhee felt that way about him. Sure, they were best friends, but hearing him refer to the younger rapper as ‘little brother’ and ‘my Honey Bee’ broke Jooheon’s heart.

“We have to find the others.” Changkyun said after a moment.

“They’ll be at the company building,” Jooheon said quickly “Especially after a stunt like that. Management is going to want to do damage control, which means putting everyone on lockdown.”

“I’ll drive.” Seungcheol offered instantly.

“We’ll follow behind,” Joshua spoke up. “Mingyu, Soonyoung and I all have cars too. We’ll be right behind you.”

Seungcheol nodded and ushered Changkyun and Jooheon towards the door. The two never let go of each other as they waited impatiently for the elevator doors to open. The ride to the company building was tense, the only break was Jooheon reading updates from Gunhee’s vlive.

“People are angry,” He said softly. “They’re talking about boycotting Starship until we’re treated fairly. Another person seems to have connected Changkyun’s name from the vlive to the concert when I called him too.”

“It you can get enough support from your fans, you have a better chance at getting what you want. Companies might not care about their idols, but they care about the customers that give them money.” Seungcheol said, sounding bitter. They turned the corner and saw Seungcheol had been right.

There was a huge crowd around the Starship building. Seungcheol nodded to Jooheon and Changkyun, who jumped out of the car and towards the building.

The second someone recognized Jooheon, the screaming doubled. Changkyun worried for a second that they were going to be crushed by the mob, but to his surprise the sea of fans opened to give them a clear path to the front of the building. They ran, only to stop in shock at what they saw.  
The remaining five members of Monsta X were standing in front of the building, hand in hand. They weren’t saying anything, but there was a sign in front of them.

“Bring our family back.” The sign read, and Jooheon felt tears run down his face again. He finally got close enough for everyone to see him. Minhyuk broke first, ripping his hands away from Hyunwoo and Kihyun and ran down the steps into Jooheon’s arms. He wrapped his arms around the younger rapper’s neck and sobbed.

“You’re okay.” He choked out as Jooheon’s arms wrapped around his waist. Changkyun panicked for a moment when Jooheon took his hand away, but he knew Jooheon needed to console the older boy.

“Jooheon!”

“You’re back!’

“Where have you been?” The others quickly realized what was happening and rushed forward, crowding the two boys.

“You found him.” Hyunwoo said with a smile, and Changkyun realized he didn’t know if he was talking to him or Jooheon.

“What’s going on here?” A man’s voice shouted from behind them. They turned to see their manager, face maroon with rage.

“It’s called a protest,” Kihyun snapped, sending the man a glare. “The way you’ve been treating us it inhumane. We won’t work another second until you make things right.”

“You can’t do that,” he spluttered. “You all signed a contract. You can’t just-”

“Actually, we can,” Hyunwoo said calmly, or as calmly as he could with enough rage flowing through his veins to throw a car. “I read our contracts. Nowhere in the paperwork does it say we can’t stage a protest if we feel we aren’t being treated fairly. In fact, I found some very interesting things while reading. Turns out, there are at least five things in our contracts that you’ve been abusing. It states clearly that we can date as long as it doesn’t affect our careers. You made up Changkyun being a distraction to get rid of him. It also says any scandal is to be handled by the company, and that no blame shall fall unto the idol himself unless the idol himself were to come forward and claim responsibility for said scandal. Guhee didn’t do anything wrong, and yet you let this blackmailer chase him out- no, you kicked him out yourself so you didn’t have to deal with it. You’ve broken our contracts over and over, and yet you’re mad at us for taking things into our own hands? I don’t think so.”

The crowd behind him, the ones close enough to hear his speech, started cheering for him. They started shouting at the manager, calling him all sorts of names and yelling encouragements to the boys. The manager stood there, spluttering and looking afraid. Changkyun took a step forward, fueled by something he couldn’t quite name.

“You’ve lost,” He said to the manager, whose face was starting to turn an unappetizing shade of violet. “You can’t abuse them anymore. You’ve been found out. Resign willingly or you’ll be driven out of this company.”

“Who are you to say anything to me, boy?” The manager snarled, spit flying from his thin lips.

“Leave him alone!” A girl to Changkyun’s left screamed.

“He’s right!” Another girl yelled.

“You’re dead meat.” A deep male voice called from further back in the crowd. Suddenly, the mob started chanting.

“Free Monsta X!” They chanted, each repetition gaining volume and energy until the words were bouncing off the surrounding buildings. The manager looked scared before retreating back into the building. The crowd cheered loudly, only to cheer louder when the five members of the band rushed forward and pulled both Jooheon and Changkyun into a tight hug.

“Welcome back kid.” Hyunwoo whispered into Changkyun’s ear, and the boy couldn’t help but break down. He wiggled his arms away from Minhyuk, who was pinning them to his side, and threw them around Hyunwoo’s neck. He felt Hyunwoo hug him tighter.

Things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I actually have the whole last chapter already typed. I was going to make it one long chapter but I didn't like how much it covered in one go so I split it in two. I'm planning on doing a little editing and posting it sometime tomorrow probably. 
> 
> It's weird finishing so many fics in such a short amount of time. My FF account is full off half finished fics that are going to stay that way. IDK where I found all this motivation and ability to actually finish what I started for once in my life!


	12. Chapter 12

“We have a lot to talk about,” THe CEO said gravely. The six remaining members and Changkyun sat silent. No one had seen Gunhee since the vlive, and he wasn’t answering any of the messages from the boys. The only one to get a response was Changkyun, whose text only read ‘don’t worry about me. I’ll be back’. “Now, first of all, I wanted to apologize to you boys. If I had known your manager was abusing his power so much I would have stepped in. You were right, Hyunwoo-ssi. He had no right to lay a ban or fire Gunhee the way he did, though there’s nothing we can really do about it now that he signed the paperwork.”

“Sir, it’s hard to accept an apologize after what happened, though we acknowledge that you’re sorry,” Hyunwoo said firmly. The CEO seemed to flinch back a little but nodded, understanding the force in the boy’s voice. “We have talked it over, and we have a list of things we’d like to compromise on in exchange for our return to work.”

“What’s your list of demands?” The CEO said with a but of a tired smile.

“First of all, we want Jooheon back in the band.” Hyunwoo said firmly. The CEO blinked at him, looking confused.

“Jooheon was out of the band?” He asked, furrowing his brows.

“He… he quit,” Hyunwo sounded cautious. “After the ban was set. He handed in a flashdrive of songs and said it was his resignation.”

“I never received a resignation from Jooheon. I was never told he even desired to leave the company. The last I heard, there was the mob out front of your dorm and I told him to tell you to take the rest of the week. Next thing I knew, I was getting a notification that Gunhee was doing a vlive and saying some interesting things. I’m sorry, Changkyun-ah, that this is the first time we are meeting.”

“I hope we can reach arrangement.” Changkyun bowed his head slightly and the CEO chuckled a little.

“Honestly, even if you weren’t our top band, I would do anything to keep you. You boys… I haven’t seen such drive in my trainees in years. They really look up to you. Losing you would be a huge hit to company moral,” He sighed, and Changkyun could tell the man was obviously remorseful. “What else is on this list of yours?”

“If Gunhee is unable to be reinstated, we wish that Changkyun be allowed a trial period to prove that he is capable of taking the position of second rapper for Monsta X.” Hyunwoo glanced down briefly at the paper in his shaking hands. The CEO stared at Changkyun, as if trying to read his mind.

“If Changkyun can prove that he can handle the workload and that he is a proper fit for the band, then I’ll allow him to be an official member.” The CEO said easily. Jooheon reached out and grabbed Changkyun’s hand tightly.

“Third, we want Changkyun and Jooheon the freedom to date for as long as they so chose, without fear of being outed before they’re comfortable by anyone in the company, or fear of being fired for their relationship.”

“You really thought these through, haven’t you?” The CEO smiled, pride in his eyes. “I accept. As long as they continue the level of work you’ve been producing, I see nothing wrong with them living their lives.”

“Finally, we request that any future manager for Monsta X, as well as other groups to pass through the label, must be checked regularly to ensure they aren’t abusing their power over their idols.”

“You’re a very generous young man,” The CEO said after a moment. “This might be difficult to implement, but I will try harder to make sure the idols are being treated with more respect. I’d like to say thank you. For coming and talking to me and giving me a chance to repay you for your patience.”

“Thank you for listening to our ideas. We hope things go smoothly from here.” Hyunwoo bowed, followed by the other six boys. They left the office one by one before bursting into cheers. Jooheon scooped Changkyun up and kissed him deeply. None of them expected the negotiations to go so smoothly. All seven had prepared arguments as to why he should work with them, but none of it was needed.

“God I love you.” Jooheon whispered into Changkyun’s lips. Changkyun sighed into his boyfriend’s mouth as he felt tears run down his cheeks. Changkyun didn’t verbally respond, he just leaned in and kissed him back. He wanted to memorize everything from that moment - memorize the elation of the deal and the softness of Jooheon’s lips.

He never felt happier. It was like his chest was filled with cotton candy and he could fly if he really wanted to. The feeling of Jooheon’s fingers digging into his sides sent shiver down his spine and he let slip a light moan - just loud enough for Jooheon alone to hear. The rapper grinned into the kiss and let it grow deeper, his teeth dragging against Changkyun’s bottom lip.

“Alright you two, if you’re going to eat each other’s faces please wait until we’re back to dorm. Either that or let us join in because otherwise you’re just being selfish.” Minhyuk squeezed himself between Changkyun and Jooheon, who instantly broke apart with ruby cheeks.

“Give us a month,” Changkyun laughed lightly. “Then we’ll consider you joining.” Minhyuk choked on his own spit, expecting anything but the joke that slipped from their new maknae’s lips.

“Get ready Jooheon, sounds like your boyfriend is into some fun things.” Hyungwon teased, his cheeks puffing up in amusement. Jooheon spluttered for a second before wrapping his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders.

“Don’t worry about me hyung,” He said, smirking in a way that made Changkyun’s heart skip a beat. “I’ll be fine. Worry about yourself, yeah?”

“What- what does that mean?” Hyungwon looked horrified for a moment. He turned wo Hoseok, who was cackling to the point where tears were glistening in his eyes. “Hyung what does he mean?”

“Guess you’re going to have to find out Wonnie.” Hoseok winked and wiggled his eyebrows lecherously.

“Stop-” Hyungwon screeched and covered his ears, causing everyone to laugh.

“Come on everyone, let’s go home,” Hyunwoo reined in his boys with a bright smile. “Jooheon, if you want to spend the night at Changkyun’s apartment, as long as you two are back for an extra afternoon practice. We have to get Changkyun into shape.”

Another cheer rang through the hall as the members shuffled Jooheon and Changkyun through the doors and into the cars out front.

* * *

  
Changkyun melted into Jooheon’s touch. The older boy gently caressed his cheek with his rough fingertips and every one of Changkyun’s senes seemed to float. Jooheon leaned in slowly and pressed the softest kiss to Changkyun’s lips. He could feel his boyfriend melt even more into his arms and his heart exploded. Feeling Changkyun’s tongue moving against his, Changkyun’s gasping breath huffing into his mouth, Changkyun’s body trembling in his arms. Jooheon had never been happier.

“Hyung… would you want to…?” Changkyun trailed off, looking shyly up at Jooheon.

“Are you sure?” He asked carefully. They had talked about sleeping together when Jooheon was staying over last time. They talked about first times and kinks and joked about what they found attractive.

“Only if you are,” Changkyun said, kissing Jooheon’s chin gently. “We can do it the other way if you want. You don’t have to-”

“I trust you,” Jooheon leaned down and kissed Changkyun to cut him off. “I trust you with this… lead the way Changkyun.”  
Changkyun felt a rush of affection for the older boy. Jooheon admitted that he was inexperienced and nervous. He had asked - very hesitantly - if Changkyun would be able to take control and take care of him through everything, and of course Changkyun agreed quickly. He had only topped a few times, but despite his preference to bottom he’d do anything for Jooheon, no matter what.

He took Jooheon’s hand and pulled him towards the bedroom. He was glad he thought ahead to take the Monsta X posters down.

Changkyun gently pushed Jooheon down onto the bed, kissing him deeply and taking control of the situation. Jooheon hummed happily as Changkyun kissed down his jaw to his neck, where he gently bit the skin. Jooheon gasped a little at the sudden sensation but tried to tug Changkyun down more.

“Do you know the colors things?” Changkyun paused, feeling a little lightheaded.

“Colors?” Jooheon was breathless, staring up at Changkyun with large, trusting eyes.

“I’ll ask what color you’re feeling. Green for keep going, yellow for proceed with caution and red for a hard stop, okay? If at anytime you want me to stop, just say red, okay?”

“Okay, but I really do trust you.” Jooheon was shocked at how thorough his boyfriend was being. He never even though about a safe word, let alone a whole system to cater to his comfort.

“I love you.” Changkyun growled into Jooheon’s collarbone as he bit a little harder. Jooheon felt his head roll back as he let out a content huff of air.

“Take your shirt off.” Jooheon whispered, feeling too constricted. His hands carefully pushed Changkyun’s shirt up his torso and grinned when Changkyun threw it off to the side. The younger boy helped Jooheon lose his own shirt. Changkyun’s fingers felt like fire as they trailed up Jooheon’s chest. The older boy’s back arched as Changkyun licked a strip from his waistline to his collar bone.

“Color?” Changkyun breathed.

“Green.” Jooheon whimpered as Changkyun nipped as his neck again.

Changkyun gently scraped his nails down Jooheon sides, causing him to shiver pleasantly. Changkyun gently tugged off his own pants before silently asking if he could do the same to Jooheon. Before they knew it, the two boys were pressed against each other completely bare, just the warmth from their skin enough to make the room go up several degrees. Changkyun wrapped his arms around Jooheon, holding him like he was something precious that needed to be protected.

“I’m going to prep you, okay?” Changkyun whispered as he pulled away. Jooheon nodded, causing Changkyun to smirk. “Words please, Honey.”

“Okay, please go slow…” Jooheon opened his eyes and looked at Changkyun worriedly.

“I’ll do my best to stop any pain,” Changkyun kissed Jooheon to distract him. He covered his fingers in the lube he had set close to the bed just for this moment. “Just focus on me.”

He leaned in, connecting their lips again. Jooheon let Changkyun control the kiss completely. Changkyun pressed his first finger in and frowned as Jooheon tensed. He used his free hand to run circled on the older boy’s hip bone, whispering reassurances until the body under him began to relax again.

“You’re so beautiful Honey,” Changkyun praised his boyfriend, who flushed under the words so weighed down with love. “You’re so fucking beautiful. I love you so much… I’m so lucky. I’m so lucky that I’m the one to make you feel good. Thank you for loving me Honey. Thank you for loving me.”

“K-keep going please,” Jooheon whined when Changkyun’s finger was all the way in. “I love you t-too. Ah- Changkyun-”

“You make the prettiest sounds Honey,” Changkyun continued as he started to add a second finger. Jooheon whined from the slight discomfort, but Changkyun comforted him with by pressing his lips against Jooheon’s, effectively eating the end of the whine. “Everything about you is so perfect. You sound so sexy growing on stage, and you sound so sexy whimpering under me. My Honey is so beautiful. My kitten is so pretty.”

Jooheon’s eyes flew open and he stared at Changkyun with his mouth open. Changkyun grinned and added a third finger. Jooheon shuddered, his legs pulling Changkyun closer.

“You like that?” Changkyun started thrusting his fingers in and out, looking for the bundle of nerves that would make his boyfriend see stars. He found it on the fifth thrust and he couldn’t help the grin that spread across his face as Jooheon shouted as his eyes scrunched up. “Do you like it when I call you kitten?”

“Yeah... “ Jooheon admitted his neck flushing. “I never thought I’d-”

“Maybe it’s just cuz I’m so hot,” Changkyun winked cheesily and Jooheon couldn’t help but snicker in return. “Relax Honey. I promised I was going to take care of you.”

Jooheon let his head fall back as Changkyun finished prepping him, taking extra time and care to make sure his boyfriend would feel the least amount of pain possible.

“Color?”

“Green- ah fuck,” A tear ran down Jooheon’s face. “Please Changkyun…”

Changkyun rolled on the condom and took his dick in his hand, making sure it was slick enough to go in smoothly. He lined himself up with Jooheon, the younger never breaking eye contact with the elder.

“How are you feeling love?” Changkyun hesitated. He saw a flash of fear pass through Jooheon’s face for just a moment before he smiled up at the younger.

“Y-yellow…” He said hesitantly, as if he was afraid of being scolded.

“Of course, I’ll go slowly. Tell me if it hurts,” Changkyun captured Jooheon’s lips as he carefully pressed the head of his dick into Jooheon. The older boy instantly tensed, but Changkyun kissed him harder and he began to relax again. “Relax kitten. It’ll feel real good in a second, I promise.”

He pushed in a little more, waiting for Jooheon to unclench from around him before going a little further. Changkyun didn’t know how long it took before he was able to bury himself in his boyfriend, but by the time he bottomed out he could feel he was already close.

“Fuck Honey… you’re so tight,” he growled, bending over Jooheon’s body. Jooheon sobbed lightly, but Changkyun could tell it wasn’t a bad sob. “God, you’re so good kitten. You feel so good around me.”

“Changkyun please move or I’m going to go insane.” Jooheon moaned, begging eyes trained up at Changkyun. The younger boy grinned back and snapped his hips forward a little bit. Jooheon arched his back at the sudden motion and grabbed onto Changkyun’s arms tightly.

Changkyun started moving faster and faster, watching Jooheon’s face the entire time. The instant he saw any discomfort on the elder’s face, he would slow down until Jooheon would beg for more. Changkyun wrapped one hand around Jooheon’s waist and pulled him closer, using his other elbow to prop him up right beside Jooheon’s head. Jooheon’s skin was hot and sweaty, but the way that his skin seemed to be magnetized towards Jooheon’s sent a spark through Changkyun’s stomach.

“Changkyun, shit- I’m g-getting-” Jooheon whimpered as Changkyun slammed back into him at a steady pace. He managed to hit the bundle of nerves with every well placed stroke, and seeing the normally composed rapper falling apart under his fingertips made pride swell in Changkyun.

They had made it. They were together. They were happy.

“Honey, I’m close too,” He groaned as Joohead started to tense around him again. “Together, please…”

“Changkyun-” Jooheon cried as he came between their stomachs, the feeling of the sudden heat mixed with the feeling of Jooheon clenching tightly from his orgasm and the sound he made as he came caused Changkyun to spill into the condom, thrusting into Jooheon roughly to milk his high as much as he could.

The second he started to come down, Changkyun pulled out and kissed Jooheon softly. They stared at each other warmly for a moment before Changkyun kissed jooheon’s nose.

“I’m gonna clean you up and we can go to bed if you want,” Changkyun said, his voice rough and gravely. “You’re amazing Jooheon. I love you so much.”

“Fuck Changkyun, I love you.” Jooheon said, burying his face in Changkyun’s pillow. Changkyun grinned softly and took off the condom, knotting it and throwing it away. He went to the bathroom and wet a washcloth for himself and another for Jooheon before going back to the room. Jooheon hadn’t moved.

Changkyun carefully wiped Jooheon’s stomach, being gentle around the love marks that were standing out against Jooheon’s smooth skin. Jooheon didn’t take his face from Changkyun’s pillow. Changkyun finished cleaning the both of them up and pulled Jooheon into his lap.

“Look at me Honey,” He said softly. Jooheon looked up at him and CHangkyun felt his heart flip. His lips were red and swollen, eyes just the same. Tears were running down his face as he sniffled and looked away. Changkyun quickly grabbed his chin. “Shit, did I hurt you?”

“No! No… it’s not that,” Jooheon rested his cheek against Changkyun’s chest. “I’m just… a little overwhelmed… I never thought I’d be in such a- a vulnerable position. I was so open but- but I wasn’t afraid. I felt… safe.”

“I would do anything for you Honey.” Changkyun kissed across Jooheon’s cheek, the light touches causing Jooheon to giggle breathlessly.

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you,” Changkyun tilted Jooheon’s face so he could kiss the corner of the elder’s mouth, just like the first time they kissed back in the MX dressing room. “You wanna sleep now?”

“Is there another option?” Jooheon smirked and Changkyun flushed.

“There are several options, if you’re up for it.” Changkyun felt a spark in the air as Jooheon slowly moved to change their positions. Jooheon pressed the younger into the mattress and kissed him deeply, taking Changkyun’s breath away completely.

* * *

  
They were panting, but no one was able to breathe. The CEO was sitting in one of the shitty plastic chairs that was always in the back of the practice room, behind a chipped table that had been a prop one too many times. He looked from idol to idol, mentally judging them one by one. His eyes fell on Changkyun, who was one second from throwing up.

“Boys…” The CEO said gravely, looking back down at the notes he had been taking through the mini concert. The boys had prepared five songs to show to the CEO to prove that Changkyun deserved to be in the group, but none of them could read the man’s emotions. “What you showed me today… I was very impressed,” Everyone in the room was able to take a breath again. “Changkyun-ah, you were the most impressive out of them all. How you managed to pick up all that dancing in such a short amount of time, I’ll never know. You’ve proven than you can handle the position as rapper. You can stay as the second rapper of Monsta X, but I want you to come to me directly if there are any problems, understood? No more middle man to complicate things. I want you to take the rest of the month a chance to bond with each other as a new band and teach Changkyun the rest of your songs.”

“Changkyun…” Jooheon whispered. “You… you did it!”

“We did it!”

“He made it!” Everyone crowded Changkyun. Hoseok picked the boy up and placed him on his shoulders, causing everyone to laugh and cheer. The CEO watched with a smile. He knew these boys were special, and he wanted the world to know. When Jooheon pulled the newest rapper from Hoseok’s shoulders and leaned into kiss Changkyun passionately, the CEO excused himself with a red neck.

Changkyun looked around and grinned, happy tears making his cheeks red and blotchy. He wasn’t just surrounded by friends. This was his new family.

“When are you moving into the dorms?” Minhyuk asked excitedly.

“I never thought of that..” Changkyun realized with a shock. “I’ll have to wait until my lease is up for my apartment.”

“Oooorrrrr…” Hoseok sang, getting everyone’s attention. “Jooheon and Changkyun could live together until the end of the lease, meet us at practice when we have to, and get all their hormones out when they’re alone before we’re stuck listening to them go at it like they’re the last two humans on the planet.”

“Hey-!” Jooheon sounded scandalized, but Changkyun just laughed.

“Maybe we will!” he stuck his tongue out, causing another wave of laughter. “Stop by if you want to join in.”

“Changkyun!” Kihyun sounded scandalized but Wonho grinned.

“Careful what you offer.” He winked and Changkyun realized the implications. The youngest looked away, blindly reaching for Jooheon’s hand. He found it and instantly felt safer.

“Let’s go back to the dorms,” Hyunwoo cheered, breaking the tension. “We have a lot to celebrate tonight!”

“YEAH!”

* * *

  
Changkyun felt like his heart was going to explode from his chest. The mic tape was pulling on the little hairs on the back of his neck and he was already starting to sweat. He saw the others doing last minute preps as the crowd got louder and louder.

“You okay?” Jooheon came over to Changkyun, who smiled weakly at the older rapper.

“Just nervous.” he said, his stomach flipping.

“You’re going to be amazing out there,” Jooheon kissed him gently as not to mess up either of their makeup. “You’ve been working the hardest out of all of us. You’re going to blow everyone away.”

“I love you.” Changkyun’s eyes softened.

“I love you more.” Jooheon rubbed their noses together, humming warmly and closing his eyes, content just to be near Changkyun.

“Two minutes until curtain!” A voice in their in-ear called, making both rappers jump.

“Come on babe,” Jooheon took Changkyun’s hand firmly and tugged him towards the stage. “Let’s blow them all away.”

Changkyun grinned and nodded and heard the opening music start. He and Jooheon ran onto the stage, grinning into the blinding lights as the crowd began to roar.

He scanned the front row as his eyes began to adjust and his hyungs started to hype up the crowd. He grinned when he saw his friends taking up most of the front row. He made eye contact with Seungcheol, who returned his grin. He kept looking and felt tears fill his eyes.

While he knew his friends from his old life would be there, when he asked Gunhee to attend his first show, Changkyun never got a response, so seeing a familiar face at the end of the front row made his heart sore. Changkyun tugged on Jooheon’s arm until the older rapper saw Gunhee standing between Junhui and Seokmin. He made a mental note to find an employee to find Gunhee and bring him back stage. He had a lot of explaining to do, seeing how he had been missing since the vlive - almost five months.

Jooheon jumped up and waved until Gunhee finally waved back.

Changkyun poured his soul into the performance, and it was a moment he would never forget. The cheering of the crowd, the signs with his name, the rush of adrenaline when he finished a verse and the world seemed to stop - the only thing that existed in that moment was him, and his hyungs on the stage and the monbebes cheering for him.

He found himself standing still, just looking out into the crowd in awe. He watched the light sticks dance almost as hard as they were, the sheer magnitude of the moment hitting him hard. He felt tears running down his face as he watched the crowd sing along with them. The camera must have found him, because the crowd was filled with cooing. Jooheon came over and wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s waist. The feeling of Jooheon’s familiar weight at Changkyun’s back made him relax and the moment seemed to end, time started moving normally again.

“Are you ready?” He screamed into the handmic. The crowd went crazy. Changkyun grinned.

Somehow, everything felt like it was finally right, like this was what he was meant to do all along. He looked at Jooheon, who was grinning at him from across the stage and winked back.

Changkyun was right where he belonged.

* * *

  
BONUS SCENE

Hoseok stared at the phone in his hands in shock. No one knew what to expect when Gunhee went live, but a confession was not it. He felt his ears heat up as he realized that Gunhee had admitted to loving him - to still being in love with him.

“It makes sense.” Minhyuk commented softly.

“It does?” Hoseok was a little lost.

“When you were his leader, for that first team challenge? When Minkyun was sent home? He was always looking at you. I thought it was because you were the leader, but now it kinda makes sense. He always looked so happy around you.”

“I never thought…”

“Honestly he’s not the only one,” Hyungwon commented. “Though he probably is in the most shit for it.”

“What do mean?” Hoseok felt like laughing, but the situation wasn’t funny.

“I think we all had some form of a crush on you at some point,” The lanky vocalist said easily. “You’re very easy to fall for hyung.”

“Really?” Hoseok was flattered, but felt bad that he never noticed. He knew he was handsome to some extent, but next to people like Minhyuk and Hyungwon, he never expected anyone to really crush on him of all people.

“Yeah, Wonnie’s right,” Minhyuk chimed in. “I tried flirting with you for weeks but you never caught on.”

“It was pretty obvious to the rest of us.” Kihyun said dryly.

“What?” Now Hoseok was upset. How could have never noticed? He felt awful for being so frustratingly dense

“It’s alright, you were focused on debuting. I don’t blame you for being distracted.” Minhyuk wrapped his arms around Hoseok’s shoulders and rested his weight on him, as he did often.

“Guys, Gunhee’s still going.” Hyunwoo brought their attention back to the vlive.

“Did he just….?” Hyungwon was shocked. “Did he just out Jooheon to the whole world?”

“I don’t think he meant to,” Hyunwoo said slowly. “And hopefully they’ll take it to mean Jooheon cares for Changkyun and not…”

“Let’s hope… the last thing that boy needs is something else to block their relationship.” Kihyun muttered unhappily.

“Please don’t forget about me…” Gunhee cut off the stream as he cried, and the others were left in shock. Hyunwoo’s phone dinged.

“It’s from one of the other trainees,” he said, not sure why the girl was texting him out of the blue. “...’get to the company building. There’s already a mob’.”

“Oh shit…” Minhyuk breathed, still hanging over Hoseok.

“What are we going to do?” Kihyun asked.

“We’re going to show Starship that we aren’t going to be pushed around anymore,” Hyunwoo said firmly. “Grab that cardboard and a marker. We’re going to the building.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'd like to thank Rynryn for the suggestion of seeing Wonho's reaction to being confessed to. It didn't fit anywhere in the original story, so I added a bit of a bonus scene after. He's my bias, but I can see him being really shy when it comes to genuine affection. He doesn't seem like the type to be all "Well of course he likes me". I hope you liked your scene! I adore Wonho so much so writing his POV was fun!
> 
> Anyway, this is the end. Another fic coming to a close... It's hard to believe that it's over yet at the same time twelve chapters long. It doesn't seem like that much but it's a lot of writing. Thank you everyone who read and commented and supported me through this. Right now I'm working on a Stray Kids fic, and I'm planning an Astro one next, so look forward to that!
> 
> Until next time,  
> Starlight~

**Author's Note:**

> I know I've said this before, but MX isn't even my ult group. I just find it so easy to write the members? I'm literally in the middle of another MX fic right now, that I'm going to work on updating before tonight maybe.  
> Will I actually write something other than an angtsy Monsta X fic? Stay tuned to find out. Spoiler the odds are really low honestly.
> 
> On another note, I have some ideas for oneshots or short fics for Block B, Astro and possibly VAV but with school really starting it'll be a test of wills to see what I manage to pull out of my ass.
> 
> This was actually an idea I had that wasn't kpop related at first. Story time: there's a guy on my campus that longboards around and we might just be soulmates so of course I talk about him to my friends. One of them jokingly suggested I throw myself infront of him to make him notice me, hence the bumping into someone idea. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.
> 
> ANYWAY this probably won't be super long. So far I'm thinking maybe three chapters? 
> 
> I just wanted to note that my one year of being into Kpop is coming up, and in this past year I've written more, met more people and just been happier than I've been in a long time. Before, I had severe writing block to the point where I hadn't written anything in MONTHS but now I've written so much. I'v made so many friends that I'm so grateful to have, and would feel lost without, and I've even become closer with some of my old friends. My depression never went away completely, but having something to focus on definitely helped me cope and push away bad thoughts in a safe and creative way. It's just wild to think something like this could have impacted my life in such a short amount of time. I wish I could thank every idol I love, but that would take AGES because my multi-stan heart hold TOO MUCH LOVE.


End file.
